When a family member constantly stirs the pot?

Question

My life partner's daughter constantly creates stress. She is an adult, a single mom, successful and beautiful to look at. After 2 minutes of conversation all that meet her wonders what bee got stuck in her bonnet. She has been mad her dad for years now.

Today was her birthday. We called her all day. So finally she answered and preceded to chew her dad out and say how angry as disappointed she is. Saying he never returns her calls and she could die and no one would care or notice. Then it became a shouting match of her dad telling her she never calls us except when she wants $ or us to do something and then slams the neglect card if we choose or can not help her to her liking. He hung up on her.

So I called her and listened to her thirty minute rave, and reminded her the last conversation like this, I had with her was at Xmas after she had two bottles of wine. Till 3am and I had to get up and work at 6am. I told her we Love her and do the best we can. Her dad has been out of town for the past 5 months. I only see him 36 hours per week and he is tired and is in bed by 9am. He is in meetings from 6am - 9pm at this time and I speak with him less than two minutes per day. Basically "Hello, I love you, Goodnight"
I so want to tell her to jump off a cliff. 

Of course there is more here, but she is angry and wants things her way or we are not fit parents. I thank the heavens my son is not so needy and understands. It seems we can never do enough, call enough etc..

I sent her an email tonight and told her I was done being the go between. I'm not angry, just done as it is clear that I can never meet her expectations nor her father. We "I" love her and do the best I can that fits my nature. 

Honestly we would call her weekly, but she is such a downer and her daughter is headed on the same path. It makes me sad. She so wants to point her finger at everyone else.

Any advice? I have been in her life for 15 years, her daughter is 11. sigh.......

Terri J · Accepted Answer

Wow, you are just plain worn out!

I can tell that you do love this daughter; you're just frustrated, as all parents are at times. You do not owe this young lady anything she wants. But it's good that you try to meet some of her needs, and I'd encourage you to continue doing so (except cash, no cash). A long phone call late into the night is exhausting; but, if it's occasional, and it makes her feel better, it's probably worth it.

With all of the pressures you have, calling and listening to her whine has got to be tough. I do think you should limit it, trying to strike a balance that will help keep your relationship afloat, but keep you from losing your sanity.

I'd suggest that you sit down and really think about what boundaries would help you to cope with your situation. For instance, you might say one call a week. But set the call at a time that you know she (or you) is scheduled to do something soon. That way, you have a genuine reason to keep the call short. You can deal with it if it's only for ten minutes. 

You do have a right to protect yourself from stress. So, don't feel guilty about doing what you have to.

Dovahkiin · Answer

She has an 11 year old daughter? I am surprised because from what you describe she sounds like a 13 year old teenager. You mentioned wine and I so I am wondering if somewhere in this some kind of drugs or alcohol were ever in her life because when a person starts drinking or taking drugs on a regular basis their emotional growth comes to a stop and they pretty much emotionally stay at that age. There is nothing you can do about her but you can do something about how you react. I would start first by refusing to listen to her rants. Children will throw a tantrum as long as they think someone is listening or watching. She is acting like a little child so treat her like one. They say to ignore tantrums. That is what you need to do.

oscar · Answer

I am sorry...I know how hard you guys try. She is a victim because of choice not circumstance. the only thing that can be done is to say you love her and Her Child but there comes  a point where the blame game of abuse has to stop. You are under no obligation to talk to her in that state...tell her you love her and she is an adultt and she needs to be responsible for her own emotional, finacial, and families well being. 

The drug issues are her own and those things tend to always bring out true colors of individualas strongly. At the end of the day the only person who can help her is her and she has not decided to do that. She ghas however made it her high priority to tol attempt to make your lives miserable and you both need to decide that she will not and that you will not listen to this anymore...if you guys do not enable her to continue down the blame path she will have to find other outlets ...hopefully  by changing her mental perspective. 

My advise is to send her some different names of couselors and to say "?Hey Life is hard ...get over it at the end of the day it does not matter"...only love matters.

Love the Gecko

Caramel · Answer

Don't tell her to jump off a cliff. Tell her to take a long walk on a short pier. She'll get the idea. LOL.

Nora · Answer

do not ever call her  do not get involved

When a family member constantly stirs the pot?

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