You know the saying, "What do you buy for the person who has everything"? Well, this is kind of the same thing that except it's "How do you correct a kid who's already had all privileges taken away?"
My 13-year-old daughter is beautiful, smart, and CAN be quite charming. She admits that she has a good home life. However, there is barely a day that goes by that she doesn't break my heart. She hates authority of any kind. She gets bad grades even though she admits she could easily get all A's. She regularly gets detentions at school, she's disrespectful to me, and disobeys the rules of the home on a pretty much daily basis. She always promises me she'll do better, but the very next day, she does something terrible again! I've started her in counseling just recently, so I'm hoping that'll help, but in the meantime, WHAT DO I DO? She got caught smoking pot, so I grounded her from friends because I felt they must be a bad influence. Then she snuck out of her bedroom window one night after we went to bed and the police brought her home at 1 AM, so I took her T.V. and computer privileges away. A few nights later, my husband and I had a 90-minute meeting we had to go to, so I had her babysit her 7-yr-old brother for that short time. We got out of the meeting early to find her back in her room with a 15-yr-old boy in her bed "making out" (they were both fully dressed, but who knows what would have happened if we'd been gone any longer!). NOW WHAT? Every single day it's something! I can't bear it. I looked into "adolescent boot camps" but they are WAY too expensive and I don't know anyone I can borrow that kind of money from. Has anybody had experience with this type of situation before? Did it get better? What did you do? I love my daughter and I don't want her to go down this road. At this rate, I truly fear for her and my sanity. Please - serious comments only. Thank you.
sb2011-05-06T10:52:56Z
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Praise her good things. Ignore the bad. YOU have the power to reverse this unproductive situation.
I have a son and went through the same thing. At first, it was tough. I won't lie. You will slip and fall into the same yelling, and punishing habit. BUT when you realize it, take control of yourself first. Realize this is best for you, her and your relationship. I bought a bunch of little "prizes" they will be different for your child, but each "prize" should be no more than $5 each. (You can get bigger ones for bigger goals). A week of not getting into school trouble was worth a prize. A week worth of doing chores is worth a prize. It sounds expensive, but think of the long term. We are RE-conditioning the child for praise, AND ourselves as a more positive role model. After a few good trials, you can spread out the time for a prize, until it comes to a simple good report card = prize, or a one month recognition of a dinner out (special time for BOTH of you).
It worked for me and my son. And even more importantly, I am happier being the mom I am today, rather than the upset one I used to be.
Omigosh, I'm so sorry for all you're going through with her.
I have a 13 yo, too, and know how hard it is.
You sound like a great mom; you are doing everything you can, but it seems she is bent on doing it her way. Definitely consider not leaving your younger child alone with her any more. She's not responsible enough to care for your other child.
As for the boot camp's expense...I hate to be brusque, and believe me, I hear you about money, but pretend she had cancer (God forbid): would you let money keep you from giving her the best care?
Well, in a way, she has developmental cancer...and it could end in any number of disastrous scenarios for her and your family. I would definitely look into a girls' home/facility/boot camp/whatever you want to call it, but something that will scare her straight and help her fly right. I'm sure they have payment plans that will accommodate you. Pay now at the boot camp or pay later (if she gets pregnant, gets arrested, etc)
At this point, I'm sure this isn't just affecting you; it's affecting your marriage, your home life, and your other children. Your younger kids are watching how you deal with her and will act accordingly to see what they can get away with.
Last thing: please get connected with a support group or just a good friend who will let you blow off steam. This must be incredibly difficult for you and your husband.
Try switching her to different schools, or moving away somewhere away from her lowlife pot smoking friends. Counciling isn't a bad idea at all. Also try sitting her down and talking to her, tell her how much you love her and how her whole life could fall out of place if she starts doing drugs, getting bad grades and having sex at that age. Ask her if someday she wants to get a nice job, a good husband, kids, make good money. And if she says yes tell her that she won't be able to achieve these things with the way she is acting and the wrong path that she has tooken now. Maybe send her to live with her grandparents for a while. It may seem like an irresponsible thing to do at the moment but it might be for the best. She'll be away from her 'so called friends' that are horrible influences and she'll be able to start a different life in a way. Get her to become friends with someone smart, and nice. Some good influence down to earth girl that she will enjoy being around and who you will trust. Don't let her hang out with her trashy bad influence people she calls 'friends' because she ain't going anywhere with them.
Well, as a child who used the same logic "If they take everything away from me, then I've got nothing to lose." I think that your best bet is probably sitting down and having a good chat with her. If she gets bad grades then perhaps you should set her up with some kind of after school program that will allow her to get her homework done. If her grades and behavior improves I would slowly start rewarding her for her good behavior. But if she acts up be swift and quick to take her things away. Tell her that you are worried about her and that you are only worried about her because you care about her. Perhaps you may want to look into a family counselor if things get really bad. At that age many daughters get rebellious and nasty. And even though she is 13, it's not surprising that she would be interested in boys that are slightly older than her. Also, I would suggest not yelling. In my experience yelling just seems to make things worse. Deal with this in a calm and cool manor. Don't let her see her disobedience get to you. Because that means she wins. I know it may be difficult at times, but keeping your cool and asserting your authority will be the best way to "correct" her.
What she needed is attention. I wont give you my advice as a parent but i was her a couple a years ago. Well not the drugs or anything of that sort. Really she was doing all this to get your attention but how long has this been going on now? if its been for a while, she likes the bad life and is not necessarily doing it for attention anymore. You really have to put your foot down but not to the point to where your getting down to her level and arguing like a teen yourself. I used to sneak out and party all night long. My parents tried EVERYTHING! The only way i learned was the hard way. I have a beautiful little baby girl now that i don't regret at all except i really would've loved to have her at a older age. I really took my parents as a joke before. They would tell me no cell phone or internet for the rest of the month, i knew if i really got on their last nerve they would give it to me again in a shorter time! So she knows your buttons don't rest the case to early. Keep your word and really see who's she hanging out with at school. Influences are the number one problem i had.....Good luck! =)