My boyfriend died...I have serious depression and need help?
I’m a 16 year old girl, and I had a boyfriend who was 17 named Justin. We’d known each other our whole lives. We live in a small town so our grandparents grew up together and so did our moms. They are very close and always have been. Justin and I grew up as best friends. When we were little tiny kids, our mom’s would set us up for play dates all the time. When we started Kindergarten we were inseparable and it was that way all the way though school. When we were in 8th grade we started being more than friends. I am now in 11th grade. Justin and I dated for 3 years. I was the only girlfriend he ever had, and he was the only boyfriend I ever had. We loved each other very much and I was the luckiest girl in the world to have him. He was cute, athletic, sweet, caring, considerate, the list goes on forever. I was sure I had found the one. We knew we were going to get married, that’s how close we were. Both of us were saving our virginity for our wedding night. We were so in love that it was unreal. He was my everything.
Last Wednesday, Justin wasn’t at school. I thought he was just sick. When I got home, my parents told me they had some awful news and both of their faces were white as paper. They sat me down on the couch and told me that Justin’s mom had been taking him to school in the morning and they had gotten into an awful wreck. Justin’s mom is alive but has serious injuries and is in the hospital, but….Justin was killed. As soon as my parents told me this…I threw up. Sorry I know it’s gross but I did. I went into my room and cried my eyes out for hours and hours and hours. I couldn’t sleep that night, I couldn’t eat, all I could do was cry. It’s been more than a week now and I haven’t been able to go to school. My friends have been texting me, but I turned off my phone. I can not answer any questions. I’m depressed, and usually I’m the happiest person ever. I never thought I would go into depression. I don’t have suicidal thoughts, but it’s almost that bad. I feel like my life is over, I’ll never be able to date anyone again or look at life the same way. I’ve cried so much that I’m surprised I have any tears left. I’ve cried in my sleep even. I wake up every morning and start crying again. I’ve stayed in bed 24/7. Today is Thursday and it’s the first day I’ve been able to get up and actually get my laptop out. Typing this up is making me feel like I’m going to throw up again. And trust me, I’ve thrown up a few times just knowing that he’s gone. I didn’t even get to tell him I love him before he passed away. We hung out the night before, but I had no idea that would be the last time in my life I’d ever see him and so I just gave him the usual small kiss and said, “Bye.” He left his hoodie at my house, and I can’t let go of it. I’ve been using it as a pillow and crying into it every night. I wasn’t able to go to his funeral, and I know I’ll regret it later, but I would’ve had a meltdown there. I don’t know what to do with myself, I pictured our future together. He was like more than half of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of this depression. When I finally go back to school, I will pass his house everyday and I just don’t think I can do it. My mom is very supportive and loving but no matter what she says, it doesn’t help. It’s taken me more than an hour to type this up and I feel just sick. Help me please, I really need some serious advice. I have to go back to school someday, I can‘t live like this…thank you so much.