Will you please rescue these two little boys, C/C my poem?

This is a simple word piece. I tried to write it as if I were in 2nd grade writing of experience as a toddler before these two toddlers were in school. Fact of Fiction. If fact, the story is can be much more traumatic and remembered by Mother and two sons to this day. If Fiction we'll never know how it went beyond the poem. I wanted to try something a little different here. Will explain later in additional details. Thanks, Thomas
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Stranded

One foot of Snow, today is the day
Mom is asleep daily nap her allay
Two older brothers already at school
Youngest sleeping w/ blanky and drool

That leaves me and my younger brother
Two young toddlers who love one another
Freezing outside with one foot of snow
Time to be big brother, prove what I know

We bundle up and go outside
Time to show him big bros pride
Taking you to the bottom of hill
Trusting me I’m experienced still

We grasp at trees, slide down slope
This is fun, showing off as we cope
We walk around on the icy creek
Hoping for cracks scare us as we seek

Moving from creek back to the hill
Hour’s up get back home from the thrill
Little brother followed my every step
Feels good, I’m cool, make no misstep

Held hands made way up slippery rise
Kept sliding down as I heard the cries
Don’t worry little bro “I’ll get us back”
Can not cry, comfort brother my knack

Seemed like hours, still stuck downhill
Freezing, getting dark, scared as I yell
“Where’s Mommy” I hear know not what to do
Stuck! From this point on I haven’t a clue

Suddenly from no where Mommy arrives
Little shovel in hand as we hug her thighs
She cut little steps so we could walk up
Steep incline to get us to top we erupt

Postponing being cool big brother today
Perhaps tomorrow another chance to display
For now thank you Mommy for being our hero
Without you we are stranded, well below zero.

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2012-01-28T08:04:53Z

Corrections: On intro, which in future I will do my best to reduce or eliminate, supposed to be 'Fact or Fiction" and next sentence drop the word 'is.'.......'the story can be much more......."
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Anonymous2012-01-30T13:08:20Z

Favorite Answer

i think this an excellent write.
i would probably change "allay" to "her way", since the point has been made by others, but i still think this a great write. good job

10

Anonymous2016-05-16T14:07:44Z

Hi Ducky, Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe... I Love this one.."WHERE IS GOD"!!! That will teach those boys a thing or 2..A Big Star My Friend.. A Friend, poppy1 Happy Easter My Friends..Save a Pretty Easter Egg for Me. Lol..

00

Nat2012-01-28T16:25:15Z

Nice slice of life poem, well penned.
All those brothers. I bet you guys were
a handful. Judging from your character
displayed on this forum, your folks
came through for you guys.
I enjoyed imagining the snow,
since I so rarely see it.
If we get a couple of inches on the ground,
it's panic in the streets.

30

neonman2012-01-28T06:44:54Z

Skip the lengthy explanations in the future would be my advice. Wouldn't this be better if you were telling it as you were looking back rather than trying to project yourself into a toddler's mind. Do toddlers rhyme, do they use big words like 'allay' for example? Unless maybe they are precocious I doubt they would speak like this. Not a bad story, I just feel it needs to be told a different way... but as always just me.

Mom is asleep daily nap was her way

62

Any Other Heart2012-01-28T06:51:56Z

I loved the story of this one, and the mostly simple rhymes used were suitable for the point of view from which it was written. The flow was great too, except for one line

Hoping for cracks scare us as we seek

I kept stumbling on this one. A tad too long maybe.
You go to great lengths to keep rhyme in places, it works most of the time but in certain lines the meaning and clarity itself was compromised to make things fit.
This had a good lyrical quality that made me think of Christmas.
Thanks for sharing.

21
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