is this story good i really need to know?

Question

It was a cool Autumn night when Ann went out for a jog around the park. She was listening to her favorite song, over and over again - Big Girls Don't Cry. Gasping for breath, Ann stopped, leant on a tall oak tree and took a deep gulp of her fiji water. Collage life was tough and sometimes taking a jog on a Friday night seemed the only thing that could relax Ann even slightly. Homework, studying, all nighters, parties - when was she meant to spend time on herself? Lying her head on the rough tree, Ann said to herself, "I wish I had more time for this kind of thing." Putting the bottle of water in her small backpack, she cracked her neck and took off once more. A while later, after three more laps of the park, Ann sat down on a brightly painted green bench by the fountain. "Oh I think its time to go home." Ann said with a deep breath. Crack. something was in the bushish! "H-hello is someone there?" Ann stood up, took out her knife, and prepared to attack. "WHOA!" a blonde hair green eyed guy said "Is that any was to treat your ex-boyfriend!" He flashed a smile 
"YES! you jerk leaving me on my porch all night in my WHITE prom dress while you went off and got drunk with your FRIENDS. And when you came to pick me up you got MUD all OVER IT. So you tell me, is that how I should treat you?"
"Hey babe, that was five years ago I was sixteen I didn't know that would cost me such a great girl"
"You should  have thought of that then GOOD-BYE AND GOOD-REDDENS"




I kinda used this from someone else but i had the idea so ya tell me how you like it and if you want pretend to be my editor

? · Accepted Answer

Well I'm glad your sister is writing at such a young age, but there really is a lot to learn.  First rule is not to start with the weather or say 'It was' which is very cliche.  Start with Ann jogging around the park.  Keep with the action and cut out the information about the college life and stick with her.  She can get into back story later after she hooks the reader - if the boy jumped out sooner, it would be a better hook.  Then I'm curious if he's following her?  how does he happen to be at that same park at that exact time if they haven't seen each other for 5 years?

It needs a lot of fleshing out, but hopefully that advice will be helpful for her as she keeps practicing.  She'll get better, it just takes time.  Best of luck!

Anonymous · Answer

Right, it's dull, sounds like I've read or watched it several times before and looks to be written by an amateur. "Oh i think (it's) time to go home" who says that to themselves when they notice they should be going home. 

Also it don't make much sense to me. He was 16 and got mud all over her prom dress?? when did 16 year old go to prom. He also went off and got drunk with friends but returned to pick her up? Just don't sound very convincing.

ριcкℓє∂ ємєяαℓ∂ · Answer

It's dull, and your writing style is amateur at best. Using upper-case letters is jarring, and isn't necessary (believe me, we'd pick up on the emphasis on our own). Your spelling definitely needs some work (Bushish? Reddens?) as does your grammar and sentence structure. I wouldn't read this, but that's just my opinion.

fiona · Answer

I like the plot so far! Just maybe dont't state it was a cool autumn day. Say something like 'A fat orange leaf landed on my shoulder, I shivered and gasped for air. The chilled breeze whispered in my ear.' etc! Good Luck!

Sarah · Answer

ok... ok it's workable. 
Your writing style isn't the best, but it's not totally hopeless. And I totally lost it when you said: 'Ann *cracked* her neck' because I thought she'd broken it. 

And good riddance - not reddens.

is this story good i really need to know?

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