hows this intro to my story?

Question

Nekaya Legacy: 
New Moon
	

By: Samantha G. G. Gnagey
Edited By: Jazmine E. G. Gnagey




	Shiela face , animal ears, fangs or tusk, tail, long nails/hair, (females grow abnormal long nails and have fast growing, hair) and a Shielaly appealing figure. This race, the Nekaya, known to Shiela as legends or so they believe. Nekayas look after Shiela as their guardians. Protect them, and when the time arises guide their Shiela souls to their final destination.
	Alas on October 31st, 2000 a special young madden gifted with the sight was born. Some who believe the legend say this gift was from the grief of the child's loss of her parents. Her mother took by childbirth.While  her father disapperd leaving the birth certificate on the floor with the name  Sharmila on it  with out a of middle or last name to accompany her throughout life and  to this day is their daughters name. This name is the meaning of the sight.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

This sounds part of the blurb on the back cover but it doesn't do anything for me at all. The editing is not very good because the spelling and grammar need polishing too. Is Shiela meant to be Sheila? "A young madden" should be a young maiden but even then the term "a young maiden was born" is not right. A baby girl is born and grows into a young maiden. "Her Mother took by childbirth" sounds wrong too try "taken in childbirth" and "disapperd" should be disappeared. Print it off and read it out loud and you will hear the things that need changing. Keep writing it though because it sounds as though it could be a very interesting story.

? · Answer

It sounds like a great description for a story, but it doesn't sound like a story itself. You're giving background information, but nothing's really going on. If you really want to keep the folklore feel, I'd suggest having a character telling this story, a wise old grandpa around the campfire explaining to Sharmila how she was born and why, or something like that.

hows this intro to my story?

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