Help me with my book tell me if you would read this?
i was thinking of wrighting a book and i just started would you read this or should i add more Kit was thrown face first on the cold, concrete surface of the prison floor. Her arms and legs chained to the rough, uneven pavement. Strands of her muck-matted hair hung in front of her face. Her clothes were ripped and stained with blood.her arms and legs were filled with open, infected cuts. The chained around her waist made it hard to breath. Then she heard the small thud of footsteps. The sound became louder each ending with a loud clap on the pavement. Give me some advice how to improve it
?2012-06-18T15:08:23Z
Favorite Answer
Writing* not wrighting*
Grammar needs fixing in certain places - changes are in [brackets]:
Kit was thrown [face-first] on the cold [removed - comma] concrete surface of the prison floor. Her arms and legs [were] chained to the rough, uneven [removed - pavement. Suggested reword]. Strands of her muck-matted hair hung in front of her face. Her clothes were ripped and stained with blood[. space] [H]er arms and legs were filled with open, infected cuts. The [chain] around her waist made it hard to [breathe]. Then she heard the [removed: small] thud of footsteps. The sound became louder[,] [and each footstep ended] with a loud clap on the pavement.
To analyse: - Face-first is hyphened because you're tying the two words together. - I removed concrete's comma, as it isn't needed. - I inserted "were", as it's required for that sentence. - Common understanding of the word pavement: The hard surface of a road or street. Not a cell. - You need to capitalise the first word after a full stop. - "Chain" is a different word to "chained". - Breath is used in the sense of "I took a breath". Breathe is used in the context, "It was hard to breathe." - I removed small, as it's a confusing descriptor. - I reworded the end in a way that makes more sense.
I'm also wondering: - why there isn't more damage if she was thrown face-first into *concrete*. - how on earth she was thrown down, if she's chained?
Good luck with your story. Remember, no critique is meant to be mean or nasty.
You're getting a number of excellent strategies. I admire your question although, so i'll throw out a number of extra. A Canticle for Leibowitz ~ Walter M. Miller The Handmaid's tale (and others) ~ Margaret Atwood the celebs My vacation spot ~ Alfred Bester the entire Kings men ~ Robert Penn Warren the USAA. Trilogy ~ John Dos Passos Babbitt ~ Sinclair Lewis someday in the lifetime of Ivan Denisovich ~ Alexander Solzhenitzyn Atlas Shrugged ~ Ayn Rand A Bonfire of the Vanities ~ Tom Wolfe lamentably Babylon ~ Pat Frank Triumph ~ John Kenneth Galbraith The Mouse That Roared ~ Leonard Wibberley an additional Roadside attraction ~ Tom Robbins For Whom the Bell Tolls ~ Ernest Hemingway In bloodless Blood ~ Truman Capote Bury My heart at Wounded Knee ~ Dee Brown this may occasionally look like a relatively random list nevertheless it simply isn't. I believe you'll in finding loads right here to interest you. Good good fortune along with your search.
Well it looks like you're a really good writer and it drew me in. You should just trust yourself and continue writing, then later on come and fix it up when you're more comfortable with the story.