*EDITED* "Better," But I Still Need Help?

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Your excerpt is fairly well written, but I would try to avoid going overboard with the descriptions. "I got lost in her beautiful deep blue eyes with flecks of purple and gold" made me roll my eyes, as did "His singularly colored brown eyes accused me from between his ash blonde hair, his thin lips turned down wards in a grimace." It was just a little too flowery for me.

Aside from that, here are a few corrections:
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[ "What did you want?" She said impatiently, interrupting my thoughts. ]
Do not capitalize 'she,' because it's part of the dialogue tag.

[ I leaned against the lockers, and of course my back jabbed into the lock, I covered it up with what I hoped was a smirk. ]
I'd put a period after 'into the lock' and alter the second sentence to be more direct (ex. 'I covered up my reaction with what I hoped was a smirk).

[ "Yeah, the test's still tomorrow, isn't it?" She said with a casual hair flip. ]
Do not capitalize 'she' here, either.

[ This time, I let her walk away, I watched her go, barely resisting the urge to turn my head to the side, or worse, call her back. ]
I'd split this into two sentences, specifically cutting off the first one after 'I let her walk away.'

[ "I'm anything but!" I insisted, my green eyes flashing in humor. ]
This doesn't sound realistic. I think you should change his dialogue to something more "casual" like, "I'm not," or "I don't know what you're talking about," because you also used the phrase 'I was anything but' after the last time he spoke. In addition, I'd cut out ".. my green eyes flashing in humor" as it's distracting.

[ "Kyle, you're life is over," Shane said with a smirk, his eyes crinkling around the edges. ]
Here, "you're" should be "your."

[ "It already has been," I said, forcing myself to look like I was just joking. ]
I would probably change his dialogue to, "It already is." Also, I would take out "... forcing myself to look like I was just joking" and replace it with a smile or something, to avoid "telling" too much rather than "showing." Show us how he made himself look like he was joking.

[ "Right, Mister Perfect has a hard home life," he slapped me on the back of my shoulder. ]
End this dialogue with a period, instead of a comma, because it's followed by an action tag ('he slapped me...') rather than a dialogue tag ('he said').
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As I mentioned before, try to tone down your excessive descriptions of their appearances, but also try to do more "showing" than "telling" -- if you're unsure of the difference, you can find numerous examples and articles online that should help you. Aside from all of that, your excerpt was written well.

Hope this helped....Show more

Very well written. Witty and attention grabbing. Very believable. Only changes I can think off: Add what they are wearing too. And, make the Coach more of a harda$$; like, make it so the have to run five miles in twenty minutes, or something like that. I'm just thinking, because of the statement of "...before Coach kills us with the...."...Show more

That was awsome so far :D I kinda wanna keep reading. Seems really good. But I'm no book critic so heres my best shot in advice.
If this is in the very beggining of the story where you have to describ every one the way they look then you did perrrrrfect, but if you are in the middle-ish part I wouldn't say how they look so much like that features maybe what they wear every now and then though....Show more

It's okay, but with one major problem: guys don't think like that. Guys don't think in descriptiveness. A gut will not notice another guy's eye color, or a girls eyes to that fine of detail....Show more

Doesnt need improving tbh? Why does he have a scarred hand though?...Show more