statement of purpose please help?

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OPEN WITH AN INTRO STATEMENT like " I BELIEVE I WAS MEANT TO BE A MECHANICAL ENGINEER" or whatever.

As an undergraduaTE, I was a team member for a competition called WESTEC; A competition based on THE manufacturing and efficiency of production. My team researched, designed, and produced a first place, fully working, electromechanically operated pinball machine. I was in charge of designing the components on computer aided software that includED (NO COMMA HERE) Solidworks, CATIA, Autocad and MasterCAM as a part of academic requirements for industrial technology. During the process of designing the machine, I began to see THE MANY different components that worked together to be part of a single working product. When the competition was over, I talked to a teammate who was working on his mechanical engineering degree and WAS EXCITED TO LEARN THE MANY FACETS OF engineering. As I did my own research, (TAKE OUT THEREAFTER) I developed a fascination for the SPECIALIZED fields IN mechanical engINEERING: thermodynamics, fluid dynamics and composite materials to name a few.
(OMIT AFTER) DISCOVERING the DIVERSITY OF fields IN mechanical engineering, COMBINED WITH THE PRACTICAL experience I gained through building the pinball machine, I realized I did not have enough theoretical knowledge. I know California State University of Long Beach is the right CHOICE for me. IN RESEARCHING THE FACULTY, I ESPECIALLY look forward to working with professors like Dr. Hamid Rahai, WITH his work on aerodynamiCS (NO COMMA) and convective heat. (INSERT ANOTHER REASON _ LIKE " I AM INMPRESSED BY THE DEPARTMENTS BLAH BLAH). IN ADDITION< I FEEL THAT I WOULD BE A GREAT ASSET to the Mechanical Engineering Department because I have vision, DEDICATION and a desire to achieve MY goal OF helping society by contributing in THE DEVELOPMENT OF new products THAT WILL PROVE TO BE BENEFICIAL TO ALL. I will achieve it through hard work, MY PASSION FOR ENGINEERING, and MY CONFIDENCE THAT I WILL SUCCEED.
I have started my journey as an engineer by starting to network. Attending STEM, a conference formally known as HEENAC, allowed me the opportunity to network with practicing engineers and GAIN valuable advice NEEDED TO BEGIN my voyage. Attending this conference not only allowed me to meet people THAT MOTIVATED ME, but AIDED ME IN RECEIVING a scholarship awarded by Southern California Edison. This honor was awarded in tribute to the hard work invested in my academiCS - hard work that will translate TO GREAT THINGS if I am given the privilege to become part of the CSULB student body.
Regardless of the time period, the development of new inventions has accelerated and we now live in a society where last year's new technology is today's ancient history. Behind these products are the engineers who take NEW IDEAS through the design process, from THE research stage to the final finished product. I am passionate about contributing to this captivating field of engineering. Becoming a mechanical engineer is the next step I need to take to make my vision a reality AND I FEEL THAT CSULB WOULD BE UNIQUELY INSTRUMENTAL IN HELPING ME ATTAIN MY PROFESSIONAL GOALS.

Try to come up with a few more reasons why CSULB is specifically appealing - ieven if its something not to do with the department. Engineering club? Diversity of student body. Get facts from their site, but be honest. other stuff? Awards they have received in the field? Put it up under why CSULB is the right decision for you.

GOOD LUCK!!!!...Show more

A successful statement of purpose must stand out among many others, and and must focus on the author's commitment to making a positive difference to society through their career. You touch on that when you say. "I have a vision, and a desire to achieve great goals helping society by contributing in developing new products and I will achieve it through hard work, dedication and time management," but you need to be MUCH more specific, and to place that statement much earlier in your document.

I realize that English is not your first language, but awkward sentences like "I am beneficial to the mechanical engineering department," are going to lose you a lot of credibility....Show more