Am I being irrational?

Question

I'm a stay at home mom and I do not have basic necessities (hair cuts, shoes, clothes, car ect. ).  Is it wrong to think my husband should provide these for me?  
So basically... my husband and I got married when I was still in college.  He wanted kids, so did I.   We decided I would finish online school while staying home with the kids then when I finished and they were old enough I would go to work.  After 2 kids, my body has changed a lot, I literally have 1 pair of pants that fit me.  I also haven't had a hair cut in 6 months.  My hair is dry brittle and damaged.  Also, I've gained about 20 pounds and want a gym membership.  My husband makes $86,000 a year.   He drives a 2011 ford focus and also has a 2010 Ford  f250 truck.  The f250 does not have tags or insurance and he says we cannot afford gas for  it for me to drive places during the day.  I do not have a car.  We have been married for 5 years.  So basically my question is.... Is it wrong for him to leave me here with two kids, not able to go anywhere, without proper clothes.  or is this my responsibility to provide these things for myself even though WE agreed that I would be a stay at home mom?    
Also, he complains that we are broke all the time.  However, he wants to spend all the extra money that comes in over the next 3 years to build a house himself.  I cannot imagine living like this another day much less 3 more years.  I asked him for a haircut and he said no we don't have the money. Am I headed for divorce?  oh and one more thing he wont "allow" the kids to go to daycare and has said he wants them homeschooled which would be ok if I felt like he could take care of our needs while doing so.    What should I do?

Happy-2 · Accepted Answer

What you should do is tell him that if he doesn't start holding up his end of the bargain regarding you being home with the kids, you're going to consider the arrangement null and void, and go to work.  Tell him further that if he doesn't want to "allow" the kids to go to daycare, fine, but HE will need to figure out how they will be cared for when you return to work.  And then follow through.  

You can only be taken advantage of with your consent - so stop giving it.

KR :) · Answer

In my opinion to your side of the story (because there are AWLWAYS two lol) you should be demanding some of the neccesaties that every person needs. You shouldn't have to ask your husband to go and get a haircut it should be something that is done regularly. If he has two cars then tell him that you need one throughout the day. Not only is that EXTREMELY controlling it is also dangerous to you and your kids. If there was an emergency, how do you plan on getting help asap? I think every marriage should really try till the very end, and divorce should be the LAST resort.... unless he was abusive or mentally abusive to you or your kids. Talk to him about it, let him know you feel in a way "stranded." If he doesn't make an effort or understand where your coming from then you need to put your foot down and start demanding some things! Best of luck.

MCSHughes · Answer

1.  Under the circumstances you're in, he doesn't get $710 of a car payment.
2.  He doesn't need to give you money, you should be on the account with him.  You might both agree on a budget, but you aren't locked out of the money.
3.  You don't own vehicles that you can't drive.  Sell the expensive truck if you need to get the paid off one running.
4.  He doesn't get to build a house under these circumstances.
5.  With a $700 truck payment, he doesn't have a "plan" that's going to work.
6.  Let him know that with alimony and child support x 2, the house he wants to build he won't be living in.  Nor will he be with his kids and wife.
7.  Yes, you're headed for divorce, because he's pushing you that way.

Maybe I&#39;m Amazed · Answer

Yes, your husband is the "breadwinner" of the family.  But, he should not also be the sole decision maker.  You and he should be making decisions together for the good of the family.

Your husband is making a decent salary, Keep tabs (a money diary) of how the money is being spent.  Maybe a visit to a financial adviser would be helpful.

You should not feel like a burden to your husband when you ask for money for yourself.  You should share in the money that he makes for a living.  He sounds like a very selfish man.

I, too, am a stay-at-home mom with two children.  My husband visits the bank once a week, and gives me half of whatever amount he withdraws.  We're equal partners in our marriage, even though he is the one that actually makes the money.

Regarding the children.  Why home-schooled?  You need a break, the kids need to get out and socialize.

In addition to being selfish, your husband is also very controlling.  Not a good combination if a marriage is going to succeed.

To answer your question, NO, you are not being irrational.

Ella · Answer

Who is managing the money? You or him?
If he makes over $80 K a year, you guys can afford another vehicle, clothing and haircuts.
Unless he's spending it faster than he earns, keeping you from basic necessities is ridiculous. 

Put your foot down and tell him you want your hair cut and some clothing that fits, period. 
And finish your degree!!!!! Then you'll have access to your own source of income and he can't stop you from putting gas in the truck and going out.

mmm · Answer

sounds to me like you are going to go get a job on the week-ends while he is home and can care for the children - at that time he can decide what is more important his free time on the week-ends or a little spending cash for you . . .he can stay home without a vehicle while you are away at work and then when you get your paycheck - you go get some clothes and a hair cut!

compromise is one thing -control is what is  happening here - not even a haircut?  seriously?

Am I being irrational?

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