Why doesn't my husband believe I really didn't enjoy or like cheating on him?
My husband and I have been together since 1999 and married since 2005. I love him with everything in my soul. I cheated on my husband last July with an old boyfriend (just typing this is making me tear up). Contacted via FB after 13yrs only bc I was mad with my husband and going through rougher times than usual. I talked to the old bf and met up with him for lunch...kissed him goodbye (old memories, but huge mistake that I regretted and told him it was a mistake). We moved out of state and the old bf wanted to see me before I left and I agreed to, he kissed me and I never saw him again. I only contacted him after moving to a new state and my husband and I was seriously not getting along at all. He even mentioned separation to me. We would argue and fuss for all kinds of things. He would walk in for lunch with this disgusting look on his face. So, I decided to get attention and compliments from the old bf. Until this day, I don't know why I did all of this instead of talking to my husband. I received the compliments and attention from the old bf since I thought I was missing it from my husband. I even went as far as sending pics to him (yes, I was stupid!) just to get a few compliments from him. I would send them and tell him to delete them immediately afterwards. To fast forward, my husband and I got into an argument and I threaten to pack up and leave with the kids. He said I could go! So, I left but he called me to come back. Things were okay, but it happened again the next week. I actually left and went to my parents who were 7hrs away. And the old bf was in town. My husband and I argued over the phone and thru texts that same night, so I contacted the old bf and I went to his house the next morning. Here's the bad part: my husband and I made up over the phone, but I still went to see the old bf (only bc I agreed with my mom to go to that town for her the night before). I lied to my husband that morning saying I had a job interview, bc I knew where I would be in the morning, so I didn't think it was a big deal to stop by and see him since I was in his town anyway...HUGE MISTAKE. I stayed there for 3hrs watching a movie with him and talking. He approaches me and one thing turns into another. I thought I wanted to allow that to happen when he started kissing, etc... but when he came out of the bathroom without anything on and i'm on his bed I changed my mind. I didn't want to, but I figured it was too late and let it go on. I was sorry I did that, I didn't like it, didn't enjoy it, or anything. Afterwards, I sat with my face in my hands. I heard the old bf calling me and I didn't answer him. The details about it are a little sketchy, but I remember that nothing was said about it. Also, I spoke to my husband on the phone afterwards like nothing happen bc in my mind nothing happened. The next morning, I went BACK to the old bf house. At that time, I still saw us as being "friends" or cool and wasn't going to see him again ever! It happened again and I saw the damage was already done anyway, so that's why I let it go on again. I still didn't like it, didn't enjoy it, or even tried to get into it. Well, husband found out thru phone records. He saw I was on the phone after an argument and became suspicious. I hadn't called the old bf at all (a month) after coming back home, but I did text a few times only bc my plan was to dwindle it down and make him disappear (spouse wonders why I didn't just cut it off). I didn't want to raise a red flag and have the old bf tell my husband or anyone else what happened. I called him after being mad. I was really trying to work on my marriage when I came back and I would go into these moodswings of sadness bc I knew what I had let go on. Fortunately, my husband says he did see a change and the phone records proved I didn't call the old bf afterwards ( and after the actual cheating happened). But, he doesn't believe that I didn't want to do all of that. He says he knows what happened, but really want to know what was in my heart and mind. I told him I never stopped loving him, and I didn't want to do all of that with another man. He doesn't see how I didn't get into it and I stayed there and let it go on. I told him it was only bc of the situation/place I was in. I was in the guy's bedroom sitting on his bed. He had just moved into his apartment, so he didn't have all his furniture in there, only his bed. I don't know what else to tell my poor husband. It saddens me that I made so many bad decisions. Obviously, he didn't rape me but I honestly didn't want to do all of that with him. I just zoned out and barely even moved and my eyes were opened the whole time. I told all of this to my husband, but he doesn't believe me bc of all the lies I've told and how could I not get into it?