Is this paragraph well written?

Question

He confirmed that he would, watching me make for my chambers, which was only across the hall in our home, a house of a somewhat moderate size, yet nothing to match the scope of a manor, or Mr. Granger's residence, Hallersham Hall. I paid no attention to the fact that I could be the mistress of Hallersham should I be civil and agreeable to its owner, for how can wealth affect the pining of the heart? Coins cannot subject a heart to servitude, despite its ability to enact the same objective towards the mind. Neither my mind or heart would be coerced by Mr. Granger's pocket or amiability, though.

Do you find the writing tolerable or good?

Nick Myburgh · Accepted Answer

The sentences are needlessly complex / compound, with phrase upon phrase and clause upon clause.  While this kind of layering of imagery is not, in and of itself, bad, it needs to be handled with somewhat more care.

The opening sentence is also incomplete: "He confirmed that he would..." what?  The action is never completed.

There are also instances of noun / verb disagreement: "chambers, which [were]..."

This entire paragraph could be reduced to a fraction of its size, with stronger imagery.  It would first, of course, need to be made to make sense.

? · Answer

Is this a joke? There are six commas in the first sentence. No, this does not sound good at all.

Is this paragraph well written?

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