Do you think it is a sign of poor character to be unable to forgive?
It's always glorified— forgiveness. How it takes courage and maturity and a big dose of grow-the-eff-up to live and let live, to let things go and not hold on to something nasty. But what if you're past the anger and the frustration and the indignation and the feeling of being betrayed, and all that's really left is indifference? When you're at a point where you done being mad and sad and hating and just don't care, but feel like you won't be able to forgive, even if you wanted to?
Do you think that even the worst of the worst acts can be forgiven and that people who don't forgive are the ones who ultimately lose in the end?
See, my sister finished all the pecan praline ice cream and I'm mad, so :p
But in all solemnity, thoughts?
2013-06-24T06:51:37Z
@RWPossum: That's a wonderful perspective on the situation :)
Lyra [and the Future]2013-06-24T17:45:16Z
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Sometimes I wonder what forgiveness even is, exactly. I won't go into details about the situation that I'm thinking about right now, but, essentially, what happened showed me that this person in question is not someone that I can trust with my feelings. He has let me down multiple times. It just so happens that he puts his own feelings first. So, what is forgiveness? Is it saying, "It's alright, I forgive you. I'm not angry, upset, or sad, and I'll give you another chance." Or is it saying, "I'm not angry, upset, or sad anymore, and so I forgive you and I'm ready to hang out with you and laugh and talk with you again, but I'm not going to hope that you do anything different the next time because I basically don't trust you."
The first example is something I've tried multiple times. Each time, I wanted to believe that he would learn from our conflicts and maybe grow as a person. It never happened. I don't think that was a productive type of forgiveness. The second example is a way of thinking that I had to learn to develop after all of those other disappointing instances where nothing changed and he was still an idiot. I think, maybe, this is the type of feeling you're describing. I'm not angry or sad and I don't feel like I hate him anymore. But I can't forget the way he treated me that last time (and every time before that when there was a conflict). I don't know if I've completely forgiven him in the most technical sense, I guess, but I think that moving past what happened with the mind set of "Now I know what to watch out for" is perfectly fair. It's not holding a grudge, it's maintaining an otherwise good relationship while watching out for yourself. (At least in my case, I'm not sure how applicable this is to you.)
So, ultimately, my answer to your question is this: I don't believe that the type of forgiveness that I described above (and that I believe you described in your question) is not forgiveness. I think that it is a fair response to the type of terrible act that you're referring to and that I experienced. In my opinion, it is forgiveness.
But if we are going to answer this from the perspective that that is NOT forgiveness, if we're saying that only my first example counts as forgiveness, I do think that that is ultimately damaging to you in the end. To hold those feelings and never let them go, essentially holding onto the past which is something you don't have control over and you can't change, is unhealthy. You're definitely allowed time to get past these feelings, and depending on what happened, it could take weeks or months. But eventually you do have to accept that what's done is done and that you truly do have better things to do with your time and energy than to hold onto what happened.
When most things go wrong with you, you end up getting sad and gaining self-defeating thoughts. You don't like anything and thus you can't forgive anyone. However, people who stand their ground and look at their bright future at the end of the long tunnel naturally tend to ignore the small problems that come along and stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Imagine the bright future you want to be in and your brain will automatically lock focus on to the same and will automatically start ignoring small problems. For example, a poor couple will do any kind of work and take any insults but keep working and earn enough for their child to get good education. Their child's bright future is the light at the end of their long tunnel and that's what keeps them going. You might be in a wrong situation/circumstances/place but if you are an adult try to move out of that situation and get in to the one that you would like. Sometimes it takes some effort and time to find good friends and people and situation.
Forgiveness is basically not getting even. If a neighbor damages my property and I don't sue him, insult him or otherwise diss him, that counts as forgiveness. I don't have to like him or buy him a beer, but forgetting about the matter is healthy. Forgiveness is a good thing for all concerned, and I don't mean sentimental I'm-nobody-and-I-have-no-rights nonsense.
The sentimental nonsense is epitomised by a columnist who suggested that Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan publicly forgive Tonya Harding, the monster who conspired to break Kerrigan's kneecap. This was none of the columinst's business. Harding had not asked to be forgiven and, at that time, had not been convicted of the crime. Kerrigan was perfectly justified in snubbing the ***** and her saying, "Hey - it's no big deal" would have been idiodic.
I hold grudges, but here's the thing: It takes a LOT to make me become so angry as to hold a grudge in the first place. I've been holding a grudge on my ex-best-friend for about 6 years now. She was a backstabber, and I cut her off, but still hold a grudge because she never apologized or owned up to her wrongdoings. So every time I find out something is going wrong for her I cheer on the inside, and think "Karma, *****!" I will probably how this grudge for life. When I see her at our high school reunion I hope she's fat. Haha.
Everyone shouldn't be forgiven. Especially those who never own up to the hurt they caused.
Can u forgive someone for eating your ice cream.... Def. but I do believe there r some things that are just unforgivable. I don't look at it as immaturity on my part; I look at it as realizing I just don't need that person in my life. I was very young and I remember my father beating my mother. One day she finally left. I remember being locked in a bathroom with my mother and sister because he had beaten her so bad. I remember moving place to place as a young child for our safety when he would find us and break in the house and destroy everything. I remember the fear. That is something I've harbored anger towards him for and have never forgiven him for. I have no relationship with him and that was my choice. My mother tried to encourage a relationship as we got older but I have no respect for him and won't pretend to like him in the least. My sister tried; her last straw was when he basically bragged to her about never taking care of us. My mom did it on her own. No child support or anything. He never came to birthdays or graduations even though my mom would invite him to the public settings. Do I feel like I missed out?? Yeah.... I missed out on knowing half my family. But again I chose that. I knew knowing them meant seeing him and I don't think I would be able to control my anger towards him. And in that respect I do think I made the mature decision.