I feel like sometimes people get so caught up in crushing on someone and being in lust, and they're so hung up on pursuing that person and get so upset when it doesn't seem like the other person is returning it... and I just wonder, why do we never just ignore it? Why is it so difficult to just decide that it's not that big of a deal, and that your life is neither more or less "complete" based on your relationship status? Why do we feel like when you fancy someone, the *only* solution is to pursue them, and if it doesn't work, get heart broken? I just don't understand why ignoring some feelings out of convenience and out of the sake of broadening the focus of your life isn't at all more common... What do you think? Why do we insist on pursuing the object of our infatuation instead of just appreciating what's there and being okay with the current state of life, or at least putting as much effort into pursuing other much more worthwhile things?
Disclaimer: This isn't about "love sucks" or "why try?" or anything about feeling hopelessly "forever alone." It's just about the fact that infatuation, often times, is just plain silly, and sometimes it just seems like things would be so much better for us if we'd ignore those feelings, but it doesn't seem like that happens often.
Any opinions?
Kathryn W2013-08-24T20:57:39Z
Favorite Answer
The short answer is, because the heart and the brain don't often connect. It's also why people stay in toxic relationships or go after the wrong person.
The scientific answer is because infatuation is natures way of making sure we reproduce. The brain starts producing a chemical high when we're around a person who would be a good genetic match, which in turn makes us bolder about approaching that person and ignoring obvious signs of disinterest or that the person is not a good intellectual or spiritual match. So we pursue, because the feeling we get when we're around this person blocks our common sense. And it keeps happening with different people because the law of averages means that eventually we're going to have a crush on someone who is crushing on us. Viola relationship and survival of the species. Nature doesn't really care if it isn't long term.
The spiritual answer is because often, the person we're crushing on represents the qualities we'd unconsciously like to have in ourselves. Because we imagine that we're lacking something we look for the next best thing--a partner with those qualities.
Why people don't ignore infatuation? Once it finally wears off, It goes two ways. Some people get hurt and do learn to ignore it. Other people become addicted to the high the brain produces and become love junkies. Some people like me never experience a strong infatuation until their twenties and stupidly mistake it for love. It isn't and it wears off. But I think you have to know what it is and feel it before you can learn to ignore it.
I completely agree! I can't believe no one else does... I think it's really important to not let feelings of infatuation control you. It's better to ignore it and focus on more important things like your career, self-improvement, your family relationships and friendships. Every time I had a random crush and let my feelings grow for a guy, I got burned in the end. What I should have done was ignored my feelings and at the time, I should have focused on college. I should have waited for the right guy to come along, I wouldn't have had my heart broken and caused myself so much pain.
I think if you have a crush, it's important to logically think about whether you are truly ready for a relationship and whether this is the kind of person you want to spend your life with. You are right, more people should ignore their feelings and broaden their focus.
Till there is Hope , one does not ignore infatuation. Hope is what makes one believe that one will gain the affections & love of the person one is infatuated or in love with, even after hiccups & snags & refusals. Till the mind believes, even if mistakenly & unrealistically, that there is some chance of a return of love/affection, the infatuation carries on. It may, in fact, become "stronger" if it acquires some sort of ego-trip or a hunter's high. Once all hope is lost & one accepts the reality, the person can start to function "normally" - or so one hopes ;-))
add : I just solved a 'Scramble' & it seemed to relate to this Q.... "In a courtship the heart beats so loudly it blocks out the sound from the mind."
Kathryn's answer was pretty perfect. She said everything I wanted to say, but knew some of the actual science behind it, and really hit the nail on the head in the second part of her answer when she talked about psychological reasons for not ignoring infatuations/crushes. I think those two factors combined, the biological and psychological, make for a pretty powerful monster that makes logic and reason tiptoe silently out of the room.
I really, honestly wonder whether or not I've been in love. I don't know, because I've never been in a relationship, and the two guys that I've had super, serious, strong (almost said "string") feelings for, I ended up being really good friends with, even after they found out I had feelings for them. I guess, in a way, it's worked out alright for me. And though I think plenty of guys are attractive and/or have nice personalities, I can't seriously consider wanting to date anyone I don't already know well (which puts me in a bad place because I'm probably friend-zoned by the time I work up the courage to say anything... womp womp). I wish I were more adventurous. I wish I did make more mistakes. I wish I didn't listen to the reason in my head, because I think I'm also shutting myself out of plenty of opportunities.
Forgive my little bit of introspective ranting :3 But I guess I'm also trying to say that there's a balance to be struck.