Please grade my descriptive essay and comment on it?

How can anyone grade it when we don't know the age of the person who wrote it: a 14 year old, or a first year English major?

Addit. I see quatt has waded in.
OK………what he hasn't noticed:
"DARK, black sky" : might I just point out the meaning of the word 'black' when referring to the night:
black (of the sky or night) : completely DARK due to the sun, moon, or stars not being visible
'dark' is redundant! You need something like ' illuminated the blackness of the night'.

DANCING far above were bright sparks of COLOUR illuminating the dark, black sky. The night was filled with loud and brilliant explosions in the atmosphere accompanying the flickering lights, creating a magical DANCE of COLOUR high...

It SEEMED AS IF the sun WERE shining brightly ….

The original has it as:
"...and the strong dust hugging my face from all that blazing hot air"
Your face was being hugged from ('out of'?) blazing hot air by the strong dust?
I think he means:
and the strong dust IN/FLOATING IN all that blazing hot air WAS hugging my face.

but quatt changes it to:
"...and the strong dust hugged my face emanating from all the blazing hot air." My face was emanating…from blazing hot air? Ouch!

And so it continues.
You need someone to go through it and not only 'correct' it, but show you the reasoning behind the need for such of the changes needed.

For a 15 year old, though, darn good!...Show more

I can see your basic idea but there are several grammatical errors and mis-use of connecting words. You seem to be trying to give a very descriptive account. I know you said no copying but please accept a correction as I see it. As a former college lecturer I am well used to correcting submitted work.

Dancing far above were bright sparks of colour illuminating the dark, black sky. The night was filled with loud and brilliant explosions in the atmosphere accompanying the flickering lights, creating a magical dance of colour high above. It seemed as if the sun was shining brightly at night-time and we had a “sunny night” instead of a “sunny day.” The glimmering sparks of fire seemed as vivid as a shelf full of bright food colours. The smell gunpowder tickled my nose, and the strong dust hugged my face emanating from all the blazing hot air. Brightening the black sky, the stunning, multi-coloured streaks of light glittered in the darkness like a paint palette being poured into a crackling fire. Glints of light flashed and massive star-shaped twinkles whizzed around and around as multiple explosions of flame happened simultaneously in the sky. The shining lines of colour fought against each other in an attempt to be the centre of attention to the screaming crowds, who carefully stared into the spectacular beauty of the bright flashes searching restlessly for the finest fiery flame. Flamboyant stripes of hot....roaring and sizzling hues released scorching smoke as the cool air met and calmed the burning material.

Wavy bands of colour whirled into the sky as fast as the many rockets soaring up, up, up and up, reflecting luminosity all around the dark scene. It was as if a thousand light bulbs were lighting up a 15-storey building all at once, when the lights had been extinguished in every single section of the building.

The neon. ostentatious. orange and yellow fire-like flaming splash of fluorescent thin threads excitingly burst in the sky, as if disco lights were rotating in a pirouette from the very top of the planet. It appeared as if a curvy rainbow had changed shape into broad and bright spiky stars twirling erratically. Many of them harmoniously exploded in an ear-splitting, yet unique flowing sound, in an intoxicating frizzle of emerald green, sapphire blue, tourmaline pink, amethyst purple and red garnet. All these flashed in the clear black background in a smooth slideshow-like display,continually featuring a dash of all these electrifying colours, twisting like a huge paint pallet being mixed and then splattered together to create a improvised piece of art on one gigantic canvas. The gleams of radiant colours were as captivating and scintillating as the iridescent gemstone, ammonite. I could capture the glossy beam of magma orange reflecting one last time as it swiftly flashed in my eyes before fading sneakily into the coal-black sky.

Amended using your own words....Show more