What am I missing here? My actions were misconstrued, I m so sad. Being falsely accused hurts.?
On Thursday I asked my husband to trim the citrus trees this weekend. He went into a 10 minute rant about how he doesn t want to do it and that I should hire a gardener to do it. I am sorry I asked. The last two times I had a gardener do it they chopped the trees down too far and they looked ugly. This time I didn t want that. Out of understanding for my husbands position, I decided to do it myself on Friday while he was at work. I thought it would make him happy that he wouldn t have to do it. I was wrong! He came home early, found me trimming the orange tree and was angry. He went to his mancave and watched tv while I finished. When I asked him to pick up a few branches he yelled at me and said my motive was to make him feel guilty. My honest motive was to just trim the tree to my liking and to relieve him of the burden of having to do it. I never could have thought he would misconstrue things. I m sad about the accusation, he won t take it back. I am struggling with the idea that the man I m married to thinks I tried to hurt him on purpose.
2015-04-11T21:29:54Z
He says I was wrong to do it myself, if I wanted him to be happy I should get a gardener wether I liked it or not. since I believe if you want something done right, do it yourself, that me trimming it myself the way I like would be a win-win situation for all.. No gardener, tree trimmed nicely, and he wouldn't have to do it. I was actually really proud of the way it looked and proud of myself, was going to invite him to "shower" with me after. He said it looked like a 3 year old did it.
2015-04-13T11:35:36Z
Tomorrow my husband and I have an appointment with our marrriage counselor about this. Since then he has come and gone from the house without telling where he is going, he has told the neighbors that I asked him to pack his bags and get out (I did not) and he told me that he and our neighbors got together and had a talk about me and that they are all in agreement that I am "analytical." I didnt believe him and my neighbors tell quite a different story. I feel he is purposly trying to hurt me.
44Crossroads2015-04-11T23:02:13Z
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I've looked through your questions. You're husband has a myriad of issues, including ADHD. Yet, you are contributing to the situation in your marriage to some degree.
This situation is a good example. You came up with what you felt was a win-win perspective. From my perspective, it's also a good idea. But to make your marriage work, what's relevant is not understanding your perspective or my perspective, it's understanding his perspective.
He wanted a gardener to trim the citrus trees. By doing it yourself, you essentially told him that he was wrong to want a gardener to do it. Offering your help as a suggestion would have improved the situation, but even there, accept that he doesn't need to go with your suggestion. A lot of people of both genders simply don't like to be wrong. I know people at work that have a plan until someone else suggests it, then they come up with another plan. Best approach with such people: offer choices. That way, you offer your input while still empowering your spouse to make the decision.
Yes, your intentions were noble, and your husband overreacted. Yet, there's often a cause for this: not feeling good enough. If you're seeing your husband for what he doesn't do, rather than what he does, he will notice this - even if you don't verbally express it often. You'd do better to practice more positive communication. Make an effort to appreciate what he does for you and for himself, even if you feel underappreciated yourself. Don't hide your concerns and feelings, but resolve to share a lot more positive words than negative. If even just your half of the communication is more positive, you'll be noticeably happier.
Now, about your situation. Don't accept that you did "everything" wrong. Instead, discuss how he would have preferred that you handled the situation, and his feelings about the route you took. Listen to him completely. Then explain your concerns about the gardener, and that you thought you came up with a win-win situation. Then, let him know that after understanding where he's coming from, you're better able to understand his reaction. Tell him it's not about being right or wrong, it's about understanding each other.
Which, by the way, is pretty much true of relationships. Often being right or wrong is far less important than really understanding each other and being able to function as a team.
Wow you put up with a lot of crap. I couldn't live with a guy like that, because I'd have chopped the trees down after being treated like the child of an emotionally abusive parent.
I can understand not wanting to do gardening, and hiring a gardener. I can even understand him thinking you were trying to make him feel guilty. Heck I've done that, "Oh you won't move the pile of bricks so I'll do it. Knowing the neighbors will be watching the little wifey doing heavy work, he'll grump and do it.
What I find offensive is the 10 min. lecture, silent treatment, and the yelling.
Well, he WAS feeling guilty because he didn't want to do it, so when he found you actually doing it, he felt even more like a jerk so he blamed it all on you. Source: I have a husband and he did the exact same thing with a flowering cherry tree that dropped "cherries" all over the sidewalk and blocked a good part of it. You COULD have gotten a different service to do it and been very clear about what you wanted and disliked about the last ones that trimmed it.
Tell him you wanted him to do it because he does a better job and since he wouldn't you decided to do it because the Gardner butchered the tree. Then tell him that you thought you did a really good job and it hurts you that he could turn this into something ugly between you. Then walk away and leave that thought with him. It's not right the games he is trying to play with your head. stand up for yourself without raising your voice.
This fight is not about trimming the citrus trees. Your husband used the trees as an excuse to blow up. You probably are trying to keep a low profile around him as he sulks. Stop it. If he does feel guilty, then he probably should feel guilty. He treated you badly. Chances are you will not get an apology from him. Go about doing what you normally do and let him brood and sulk. When he's ready to act like a grown up, he will.