feels constricting, desighned to keep me well behaved and inside my box of what is
acceptable for a domesticated mother. I want to go on a trip by myself for a week to an
island escape to get away so i can breathe, so i can just be myself without expectations
or restrictions, go zip lining, mountain biking, scuba diving , surfing. except my family
would never approve, it is unbecoming of a mother to go on vacation without her kids.
feel so constricted where i am. trapped inside my house with 3 noisy and boistrous kids.
I need air. I haven't taken more than a 3 day vacation in 4 years, and it was never to
actually get away. It was to finish up work, house work, home work. Going to a family
reunion or a conference, never just for fun, and never peaceful.
I have been in college for 6 years and don't have too much to show for it besides a gray
hair I found and wrinkles. The stress is physically aging me. I am trapped on this treadmill
and Haven't had a legitimate break in years.
I almost booked a week long trip for 1 to the us virgin islands. I could have done it, I
almost paid for it. I know I need a break but i knew I would get talked to about taking
one. dissaproving family. This entire week I've been fantasizing about fixing my bike and
going biking on the trails in the parks in town. or Kayaking down the river or
2015-10-16T04:46:38Z
just hanging out around town. but i can't..I'm trapped on this damn treadmill and there's always some responsibility that keeps me from doing anything enjoyable.
?2015-10-16T05:05:44Z
I would say she needs to talk to her husband and extended family and find a way to get a day or two to herself. Something acceptable is a weekend with no kids or family once a month or once every other month. That's no problem. A week traveling Spain? Maybe not so much.
My wife and I both find time to be with friends and get out of the regular grind of kids and marriage. She'll take a day to hang out with girlfriends or I'll take some time to go do my own thing.
I'd tell this woman to communicate her needs to her husband. Find a way to get some personal time.
There's always laundry to do, Always homework deadlines, always a kid to pick up and run somewhere, always dishes to wash. I fantasize about spending time with my freinds and family and repairing the relationships that have grown so distant because I'm always busy. That's the part that hurts the most, everyone I used to be close to has moved on and we rarely talk let alone get face time. they've all moved on to getting married and buying houses.
meanwhile I'm left behind, in my little world, my young years are passing me by, while i work my fingers to the bone and rack up more debt to do it, they have all built lives where they get to travel and have nice things, have neat stories of adventures to tell. and I'm still here, in my apartment sitting on my couch at 3 in the morning watching netflix, the only respite or entertainment i get during the day.with no freedom in sight, no chance of vacations, no chance of doing the same things they're doing.I'm trying my best to find ways to be happy where I am how things are. I picked up sculpting, painting, coloring, but it's only temporary. I feel very ungrateful but this restlessness can't be covered up with a meditational bandage. This discontent wont be silenced for long.
This time I have no husband to take the kids if things get too intense, this time the only escape i have is to lock myself in my room and even then they can't resist the temptation to disturb me when i need quiet. My freinds and family all got their chance to have fun and get the whimsy out of their systems. I never have I have always had to be well behaved and overly responsible for my age. JUST ONCE i want to let her rip and be who i always wanted and thought I would be. I guess i thought school was going to give me that opportunity, and it did to some extent, I've had some great experiences. but ultimately it ended up wieghing me down more. I have wanderlust bad, and dream of big adventures involving mountains and rainforests but now I see myself getting older and I fear when I get my chance, when it's finally my turn, I'll be too old and pysically unable to do the things on my bucket list.I'm not even sure my dreams are realistic, maybe i'm just being whiny and ungrateful. But my soul is screaming at me that time is runnning out and i need to do these things.
I also feel I will never find a companion now. I think the relationship that ended this summer proved it. he gave me bogus reasons for leaving. I'm pretty sure he just did not want and could not handle a woman with 3 kids other reasons included but im fairly sure that was the actual unstated, main reason..I don't blame him I wouldn't want me either. I have been thinking about him a lot. What i did wrong, what he did wrong. How did it go south? what could i have done differently to make him stay. these thoughts permeate my mind involentarily and frequently throughout the day at random. Usually triggered by a song on the radio or something i see on a show. He was my last shot I feel like, and I blew it. I am going to be the crazy cat lady. I don't even want to try to date because I feel I have nothing to offer and I'm tired of dating anyways, why bother. and it's not even that i need a man to be happy. But I am so lonely, and isolated. It was really nice to have someone to regularily talk to, to have physical touch besides that of my kids. I guess i still have a fantasy of having a whole and happy family again and fear that will not happen either.
That's a deeply unhappy woman who needs to seriously reevaluate her life and priorities. For all that you say you "never had the chance," you did - just made other choices at the time.
That relationship ended for valid reasons - you aren't happy and he saw it all too clearly. Unless/until you're happy with yourself, that will permeate every other relationship in your life.
You're a mother first. You chose to have children and that's your primary responsibility, not something you can change. You have to realize if you are this unhappy they not only know it but are every bit as affected by it as you are. Your resentments and bitterness show, believe me. Where is their father? Does he not share the responsibility of raising them?
Wallowing in self pity helps no one. You really need to change your focus if you are to change your life.