what do you think of this short story i am writing?

Question

i intend for it to be similar to buffy the vampire slayer, instead of it being broken down into novels i am going to have made more like a short comic everything crammed into one strip

i may try to get it published  and may make another strip

Title : The Cursed Chosen Girl

characters 
Cindy Curry , age 21, blonde hair,  - main hero

Cain - vampire, age immortal, hair dark blonde - secondary hero

the old man - age unknown/possibly immortal - not much is known about him he has the facial appearances of an elf, but his hands resemble that of a skeleton. he knows one of the towns youth are cursed to close the towns supernatural portal and die in the process, his prophecy unfortunately points to Cindy

Janet Curry - age 53, black hair - cindys mother whom is slowly dying of cancer

the cat, the sparrow and the spider - three magical spirits that take the form of a cat, spider and sparrow, the person that is able to speak to and understand them, is deemed as the cursed chosen one

Luke Dennis - a young boy whom has a liking to Cindy, but Cindy shows no interest back, Luke is 25 years old and part of a organization known as "the Light" a military type force who is aware of the towns supernatural past

Mister Dorn - the head operation chief of " the Light"

Dark Master - a half vampire/half demon creature who wants to destroy the town by unleashing thousands of supernatural creatures. Main Antagonist

Breakthrough · Accepted Answer

It’s very good - but I would try to give Luke Dennis more spice - he seems too normal in comparison to the other characters

Anonymous · Answer

Personally I think it's quite intriguing

Amber · Answer

I can't think anything when you don't give me something to read. Keep an eye on using capitals correctly. And your character profiles say nothing important about the character just surface stuff. It's more like a casting reference than information about them (maybe that's what it's meant to be?). I can't really say anything else.

bluebellbkk · Answer

How can I "think" anything of your short story when you haven't shown it to us?

I don't care how old people are, or what colour their hair is. I want to read a story.

I also want some evidence that the author of that story understands syntax and punctuation, and I'm afraid so far I see none. How - in particular - can you write "a boy WHOM has a liking" or "Cindy's mother WHOM is dying of cancer"?

I'm sorry, but until you can show you've done an intensive course in grammar and punctuation I wouldn't read your story if you paid me.

Marli · Answer

Luke is a "young boy" aged 25.  How old are the men in your town?

You have characters, but do you have a plot line? Dark Master unleashes his creatures. Cindy must close the portal and she will likely die. What are the other characters doing in this situation?

what do you think of this short story i am writing?

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