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Could you please tell me some long jokes?
I'm feeling sad right now. Who ever has the funniest jokes wins.
I really like blonde jokes.
9 Answers
- 2 decades agoFavorite Answer
How did the blond explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.
Why did the blond quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.
What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is
sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
What's the advantage of being married to a blond?
You can park in handicapped zones.
What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.
How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.
What do you call an all-blond skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn Darts game.
Where do you look for blonds' obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."
Why did the blond take his new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.
Why did it take the blond a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.
Did you hear about the blond who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue.
How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Light reading.
Did you hear about the blond who thought he discovered that
he had a twin brother?
He didn't realize he was looking in a mirror.
There were two blondes walking down the street and they spotted a compact.
They rushed over to see who it belonged to so they could return it. The
first one opens it and says, "This person looks familiar" The second one
says, "Let me see." She looks at her friend and says, "Silly, that's me!"
Did you hear about the blond who never learned to waterski?
He couldn't find a lake with a slope.
What do you call a blond in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue!
Why did the blond only smell good on the right side?
He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
Why couldn't the blond bob for apples?
His sister was using the toilet.
A blond is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his
window seat?
Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Donna: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
Why don't blonds have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.
What did the blond do when he noticed that someone had already
written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.
Did you hear about the blond who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000
leagues under the sea?
She said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there
were so many teams.
Why did the blond stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
How many blonds does it take to make a circuit?
Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the
blow dryer!
Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
What does a postcard from a blond's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.
Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Why did the blond scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did the blond tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
How does a blond hemophiliac treat himself?
Acupuncture.
Why did the blond get so excited after he finished the jigsaw
puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."
Did you hear about the blond who shot an arrow into the air?
He missed.
What's the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when it's being cut down
Source(s): from real world expierence (yep, i am) - cging22Lv 52 decades ago
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ***?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last *******.
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the ****.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're ******.
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
- 2 decades ago
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO
DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, photo ID, DMV printout, a current medical report and drug test results from your doctor, and three references.
A processing fee of $64.00 (cash only) must also be included.
NAME __________________________________ DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER __________________
HOME ADDRESS _________________________ CITY/STATE ___________________ ZIP ________
DATE OF BIRTH ___________ HEIGHT/WEIGHT ______ HAIR COLOR & LENGTH ___________
SOCIAL SECURITY # ____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE ___________________________
IQ _________ GPA ___________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES _______________________
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? Yes _____ No _____
If NO, please explain ____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married: _____
If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Do you own or have access to:
a van? Yes _____ No _____
a truck or car with
oversized tires?Yes _____ No _____
a waterbed?Yes _____ No _____
a pickup with a
mattress in the back?Yes _____ No _____
a condom?Yes _____ No _____
pornography?Yes _____ No _____
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or tattoo? Yes _____ No _____
If you answered YES to any of the above questions, DISCONTINUE application and leave the premises.
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ____________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you? ____________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _____________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Church you attend _______________________________ How often? ___________________________
What was the reason your last girlfriend dumped you? _________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
FatherMotherPriestPrevious
GirlfriendParole
Officer
___:___ am pm
___:___ am pm
___:___ am pm
___:___ am pm
___:___ am pm
Answer the following by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:_______________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ____________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the: _____________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ________________________________
E: When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice is her: ____________________________________________
NOTE: If answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises while keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is strongly advised.
F: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________________________________
G: The drug store sells condoms in packages of (circle one):
A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: I don’t know because I buy them in bulk quantities from the manufacturer.
H: The last girl that I dated had a bra that used:
A:1 hook
B:2 hooks
C:3 hooks
D:a snap in the front and was easy to remove.
I: My car or truck is equipped with the following (check all that apply):
___ A very large & wide front (or rear) bench seat
___ Front buckets seats that fold down flat
___ A gun rack
___ A V8 engine with over 300 horsepower ( Best 1/4 mile time: ________ )
___ A 6000 watt stereo that is louder that most jet planes
J: What do you want to do IF you grow up? __________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CHINESE WATER TORTURE ,CRUCIFIXION, CASTRATION, ELECTROCUTION, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
____________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for your interest in my daughter.
Please allow four to six years for processing. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) while waiting for processing.
If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. We will then schedule a pre-date meeting with my daughter, myself, and the armed, off-duty police officers who will tail you during the date. On the evening of the date, please arrive at least 30 minutes early so that your auto may be searched and a final urine sample taken.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).
All decisions are final but you may reapply in 50 years.
--------------------- DO NOT MARK BELOW THIS LINE - OFFICIAL USE ONLY ------------------------
Final judgment & disposition:
Approved _____ Rejected _____ Kill Him ______
- crazychick ♥Lv 42 decades ago
A blond lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to
see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in
the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he
was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he
was trying to win a Nobel Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but
what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the
newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Nobel Peace prize
was to be outstanding in your field."
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- yofatcat1Lv 62 decades ago
Soy Toy
While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”
“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”
“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”
- Anonymous2 decades ago
A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they
inflate and float you up to heaven."
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite
satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes
into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"
"What do you mean?" says his mother.
"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,
"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"
The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is exposed."
"Oh. my God", says the blond. "I left the baby on the bus!"
- 2 decades ago
a long joke ok let me see. um don't you hate it when you get told a joke you say to yourself you will remember that well i can't remember any at the moment. hope you get happy. :)
