seriouse question help?

Hello...you're emotional, lost your head, and expecting your daughter to find hers, in where, the haystack?!? You know family members PUSHING your daughter to get a job and get packing is not going to help. You may force her to get into drugs, cos she feels you're not there any more. This is YOUR problem. I'm a few years older, living at home and also (because of black empowerment, no offense or racial comment there, only fact), I can't actually kick my butt into an entry level job.

You know, someone made me aware of something. My mom has major high standards in terms of a job, at my age she had a degree, was lecturing and shortly after was vice head of a primary school. Know what? She didn't have to get an entry level job as far as I know. So, she thinks I'll just walk in to a management position, it rubbed off on me, and NO I won't just go and be demeaned to be called a hamburger flipper.

My advice to you...let her choose what to do and forget all your little judgements. If she sees you been a hamburger flipper, enjoying it, and having a few extra bucks, then perhaps she'll follow, if it's only to spend time with you... any lightbulbs going off? Be her friend, not her parent, support her and make her understand that she is an adult like you are and she's got to do something to improve her life, even if it is volunteering - go do it with her!!!! I can't believe I'm saying this again. It's true and believe me, I'm down to earth, a Libra - go look my characteristics up, and that I'm able to see all/most sides of the story, of course once I understand them.

I think you need to go and see a councellor about your issues about why your daughter is not getting her act into gear. Make it clear in your mind and the councellor's mind that you are NOT there to be told to chuck your daughter out, you're there to find out why it irritates you so much. It's all fine and dandy to see the big picture but you have NO IDEA and won't no matter how much you try, about what's going on in your daughter's life. Let go.

I have my own alternative healing business, it's gone down the drain cos of my family politics, going beyond my mom and me. There are other people influencing this and making it very difficult for me to pack up and leave. Believe me, I'm at cracking point. All of us are. All I want to do is leave and be independent and successful. I've been at this for 3.5 years, and it's only STARTING to come together, but oh my gosh, where are my clients?!? I have issues. No one wants to see a person that has issues that's meant to be helping you out with yours.

Same with your daughter, if she's negative, apathetic and "lazy" no one will actually be interested in giving her a job, even part time. People pick it up all too quickly. Piece of advice - something that I've found helpful...when I do something good, praise me for it...don't embarress me...but let me know I've done good. When I've done bad, tell me ONCE only, and if I do it again, I'm human, so are you. Your daughter probably sees you as "superhuman/woman/parents" how is she meant to live up to that?!?

This must've been difficult to read, or something you've heard before, or blah blah blah. Just cos I'm young and as for your daughter, doesn't mean we know nothing, and actually know what's best for us. You have to learn to trust your daughter, her decisions and actions before you go at this one again.

You're ok. You've acknowledged there's a problem, and now you have to deal with the next one...your attitude...rubbing the right attitude off onto your daughter...be supportive...then she'll do the rest. You have to trust it. IF you can't...it's not on your daughter...it's you.

Good luck. Anyone else...can you elaborate this...or explain it better than I have? Or like correct the little itty bitty points I may've missed b*tween the lines? Tx. :)

GOOOD LUCK!!!! :) You are loved and capable. Trust me.

In reading this it appears there may be a lot more going on then presented here. First, I can only guess, but reading between the lines, your daughter may not feel special. This can easily happen in a family when another is gifted and always succeeding. To start you need to build a connection with her, a special one. Maybe try and do some things with her that only the two of you do together and no other family members or friends allowed. No discussions of the future, or what she should be doing with her life. Just fun chat about current topics. And listen to her point of view, and tell her she has valid points on the topics you discuss. Most important no arguments or disagreements. Just a no hassle fun time together.

Then continue to build that relationship, and let the two of you grow together naturally. Then give her some important things to contribute to the family - something only she is good at. Maybe it is taking care of a pet, or making a meal, grocery shopping, etc. There may be times when she does not want to do it, but make sure it does not get done till she does it. Do not chip in! And when she has completed her chore, praise her for it and tell her how well she did and how much you appreciate her. This will go a long way to giving her feelings of value.

This is a change in how the two of you relate, it is not a simple quick and easy fix. I would recommend you see a counselor as well, and get guidance over time.

I wish you all the best!

Well guess what. You are an adult. It is your house. Your daughter is now also an adult. It is not her house. You are allowing your daughter to not work and lead the other two by example. Unless you discover your spine and stop playing the role of "victim" my advice would be to buy a larger home so the other two will have nice rooms also when they grow up and dont want to work either. Also you might want to start thinking about second jobs for yourself and hubbie as the two younger children's needs will become more expensive as they get older and see what big sis gets for free. Or you can tell eldest daughter she has one month to become employed and two months after that to move out. A timeline for her with consequences will work wonders for all.

Wait a second.. you have a 20 year old living at home with you, who doesn't have a job, doesn't pay rent, insults everyone in the family, and you're only now asking for help?

Rocky road- Make sure that you and your hubby agree BEFORE you do this one! Give her notice, and tell her she needs to leave. End of story. Don't cave in, and make sure your husband won't, either. Stop supporting her. You're only encouraging that behavior.

Tough road- Charge her rent. Make her pay a bill, and if its late, she has to deal with the consequences. As for rent amount, set it high enough that she can't mooch from her friends, but low enough she can actually pay it.

Easy street- for her. Don't do anything. Eventually, she'll have to grow up, right?

Good luck, no matter which road you choose.

I'm sorry could you repeat that? What does intelligence have to do with anything? If you’re talking about her being lazy and not working and she lives in your house, then I must say: you, your husband and she should have a serious talk about it. Because in the end your no one to kick your husband’s daughter out of the house. Unless it’s your house but I’m guessing it’s a joint ownership. Maybe if you could explain better and use coherent sentences then I would be able to provide more help.

while i do not have any children of my own, i can only imagine how difficult this situation must be. not only on you but also your marriage. it sounds like your daughter needs some tough love. if she is 20 years old and not in school she cannot expect to be living off of you. time to cut the ambilical cord so to speak. if she wants to live w/ you she needs to be in school and or have a steady job. unless she has those it's time for her to move out!

Give her an ultimatum...by such-and-such a date she either needs to move out or start paying y'all "X" amount of money per month for "food and board". Let her know you are serious, and she's an adult and needs to begin acting like one. She cannot sponge off of you, if you don't let her. You can't make her finish school or desire to "be" anyone or anything in life...but you can stop her from living off of you...as an adult, living in your household, she should be a contributing member of the family.

It's time to have this spoiled brat to get her own place and try to make it on her own. You've done everything you can and she sits back and lets the world wait on her. Stop doing things for her, I mean do nothing at all. Take any phone from her room, TV from her room, cell phone,gone !!!

You have to make her life a living hell to be there. But, the most important thing is you have to make your husband support what your doing !!!

Sometimes you just have to let them go.Tell her get a job and if she lives with ya tell her to pay rent or get out.She needs to grow up.From one mom to another.A mother holds her childs hands for awhile but thier hearts forever..I would say it is time to let go of that hand.

I think that you should take some English classes to help you with your grammar and spelling...You don't seem to have much of an education yourself!!! What grade did you finish in school?