I could use a real good laugh, heard anything funny recently?

I heard my dog fart last night and he woke himself up. I laughed my *** off at him. He's a puppy so he has no clue what it is.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-***?

A man walked by a bar and saw a sign saying $100 for any1 to make this horse laugh. so the man walked in and asked if he could try so he did and when the bar tender looked back he saw the horse laughing. The next day the man saw a sign saying $200 for any1 who could make the horse cry. so he went and made the horse cry."He asked the bartender for the money and he asked howd u make him laugh. the man said that he had a bigger penis than he did. Then he asked howd he make him cry?

the man asnwered i showed him! lol

well as long as your not a lawyer iv got a couple of jokes for ya.

Q:what can a goose do that a duck cant and a lawyer should?

A: stick his bill up his ***(butt)

and theres another thing about viagra in the news

they say it makes lawyers taller

ok ill leave em alone now but

Q:how many kids with adhd does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

wanna go ride a bike?

Recently saw a referral letter from a doctor in hospital with the following

" Note: Patient is death in one ear"

A-which ear?

B- had a vision of a very tiny Grim Reaper just sitting in there-couldn't bring myself to look!

Some people like Oprah Winfrey

Two potatos are standing on the corner, which one is the prostitute?

The one with the little sticker that says " I DA HO "

i just watched Scary Movie 4 for the first time. i thought it was really freaking funny! rented it and i have to return it tomorrow =(

you oughta see it.

I could use one, too... This shocked me so bad, When I first watched it.. I laughed so hard. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lol8TAV4sq4 (Mindfreaks- The half trick)

yeah...your entire family died and left you nothing