who knows the 10 simple for dating a daughter?

Question

some thoughtful information for those who ARE daughters, WERE daughters, HAVE daughters, or INTEND TO DATE a daughter

rule one=if you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up

rule two=you do not touch my daughter in front of me. you may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. if you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughters body, I  will remove them

rule three=I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I purpose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and i will not object. however, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place of your waist

rule four=I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world’s, sex  without utilizing a ‘barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you

rule five=in order for us to get to know each other, you may think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house. The only word I need from you on this subject is ‘early’

rule six=I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one else until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry

rule seven=as you stand in my house, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule eight=the following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, couches, or anything softer than a wooden stool

Places where there are no parents, police or nuns within eyesight

Places where there is darkness

Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or general happiness

Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, midriff t-shirts, or anything other then a boiler suit, legwarmers, and an arctic grade jacket zipped up to her throat

Football games are okay. Old folks homes are better

Any movies with even the slightest of slight reference to love, romance, or sex must be avoided 

Movies which feature chainsaws are okay 

Rule nine=do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot bellied, balding, gray haired, middle aged, dim witted has been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me

Rule ten=be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange psychosis starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

candace · Accepted Answer

You might like this: 

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
* Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless 
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, 
lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy 
scout rank? 
  
2. Do you have one male and one female parent?  ____
 If "No", explain: 
 
3. Do you own or have access to a van?  ____ 

 4. A truck with oversize tires?  ____ 

 5. waterbed?  ____
 
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____ 

7. Do you have a tattoo? ____ 
 *If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue 
application and leave immediately.* 

8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you? 

9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you? 

10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? 

11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you? 

12. Church/Temple you attend:___________________________ 

3. How often do you attend: ____________________________
 
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, 
father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________ 

15. Please fill in the blanks: 
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded 
would be my ____________________________

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be 
my ____________________________

A woman's place is in the ____________________________

The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is __________

When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her 
first is ____________________________   
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", 
discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and 
running in a serpentine fashion is advised* 
 
What do you want to be IF you grow up? 
  
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best 
of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, > dismemberment, torture or mental abuse. 

 Signature of applicant
_________________________________ 
 Signature of father
 _____________________________________ 
 Signature of mother
 ____________________________________ 
 Signature of priest/rabbi
 ___________________________________ 
 Signature of State Representative
 _________________________ 
  
 Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and 
non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be 
contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.

Anonymous · Answer

I personally find it hilarious that you don't trust your daughter. If you truly trusted her you wouldn't have these absurd rules, they are ridiculous. Also why you are busy trying to control your daughter's life she is secretly doing things you don't even know about. The more you try to lock down your child the more they want to rebel and do everything against your will. I am going to suggest that you loosen up and let your daughter make her own mistakes or you are going to lose her.

eric J · Answer

LMAO
I have a shotgun, a shovel and 5 acres behind the house, do not trifle with me. Sounds like a Samuel L. Jackson line.

jfmm · Answer

Ooouu!!  LOL. LOL.
My Father and Mother raised seven daughters, and believe you me, my Daddy was one Crazy 'Cajun! 
This sounds like something he would say if he was raising girls today. Trust me, Tee Ray did not play, when it came to his daughters.
LOL.  10 to you on this one!  LOL.

Have a great evening!

cecelafleur · Answer

i get that you care but you don't look so old so you must have done some of the same/similar things. plus, scary chainsaw movies, umm, that's one of the biggest opportunities for the guy to "reach over" and put his hand around her shoulders or more!

Anonymous · Answer

That is funny. I am so gald my dad got over that stage. Umm.... nevermind, i guess they never do get over that. OK, well I am glad  he does not make it obvious how he feels. hehe, i like rule six.

Anonymous · Answer

your daughter said YES to all of the above.

♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ · Answer

haha sounds like my dad but he got over that with my boyfriend :D ♥

kez_124 · Answer

so glad all my boyfriends ever got was " ok love,always welcome" bit ~ ,come on mine not yours,dont scare him lol,I love my mum its great,you think call up, " mum just woke up,yeah dont ask,ill be late is that ok" and youd get "what were you doin asleep,where,who,why,who is there" but i get "oh well if your with your bf its fine yeah" come on! yey me -x-

Love · Answer

Oh ha ha ha my dad should read this!

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who knows the 10 simple for dating a daughter?

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