How can I let my guard down to try to have a healthy relationship?

Hi, IntentionalMasterpiece,

From your post, it sounds like all the facts and your experiences with this guy have been very positive -- and the only thing that is really making you think twice is that you have been burned before.

You do well by making sure you look before you leap, but it sounds like your one bad fall is the main thing making you hesitant.

If he's interested in you despite the two-hour trip, invites you down and offers to come up, stays in frequent contact, and seemingly is okay with the idea of having two more children join his family -- well, that's not stuff a guy looking for an "easy mark" usually shoots for. His interest in you, in the situation you've described, is probably authentic.

You also share spiritual beliefs and values, and you are in similar life situations -- so you both will get along and can support each other in many ways.

I skimmed through a few other questions you asked. If I had to guess, it sounds like your prior marriage was pretty negative and your husband dumped his anger and frustrations on you a lot -- dished out a lot of garbage. I don't know how he was originally, but that where he ended up.

Does this guy behave in any way like your husband did before? Are there notable differences? If there are, trust that he will continue to act differently as things keep going.

If you're still not sure or just feel skittish, I'd simply watch how he gets along with your kids, as well as how he deals with his kid. Most men cannot "fake" prolonged interest in other kids; his treatment of them, how he disciplines, how he communicates with them, will tell you a lot about how he will communicate with you long-term.

If he is kind as you think he might be, you should also not be afraid to tell him that you really like him but your last relationship has you a little nervous. Since he is divorced, he can probably sympathize, so it shouldn't be a bad conversation.

A guy who is just using you or is overly clingy will probably try too hard to make you feel better, and you will feel a definite "push" from him to stay involved with him -- a push that will make you uncomfortable.

A guy who is really listening and understands your feelings might still encourage you to stick it out with him, but he might also share that he's a little scared too, that he does like you, and he wants to give your relationship a shot. You will feel like he is a friend and partner.

Ask your older daughter how she feels about him, after she meets him. She's still a teenager, but she will still pick up on things you might miss, good or bad.

Overall, do you feel safe around this man, and do you feel beautiful/valued around this man? Your intution with those two things will tell you a lot, even if your memory tries to get in the way.

[Heh... i was just thinking -- you should ask your ex what he thinks of him, and if your ex hates him, that's probably a sign this man IS the right one for you... :) No, don't do that for real... but I thought it too funny not to mention.]

Hope things work out for you. Think just enough to watch your step, but not so much you end up sitting down and not going forward in this relationship. Good luck!

Like you said you dont want to mess up something good because of old feelings....put those old feelings away or you will NEVER be able to really get involved in a new relationship. Do not make this man pay for some other guys doings.

It is normal to feel like this being throgh a divorce.Time is everything and let it takes it course.Keep your distance figure out what is going on before jumping in the cold water.Take it slow in the meantime concentrate on you are and your kids.It sounds like you are doing a good job raising them so far.Don't have anyone jeopardize your trust factor because if it happens again you will hurt.

tell him how you feel, honestly. When I first started seeing the man i'm with now we had some problems that I couldn't explain and had the thought of giving up a few times. He then admitted to me that it was old pain and fear that was causing them.. made the altercations easier for ME to handle, and help him through.

Tell him, he may have ways to help you trust him and at least then he'll know why you feel that way and it's nothing specifically about him.

I know it's hard to trust people again especially after you've been burned...You have to let this man make you happy, if you feel that his feelings are true and you feel the same... then let him into your heart.. This is your second chance at happiness..If you don't give him a chance you will miss out.. Go with your heart..

I'm hearing fear. Replace it with love. I'm hearing me, me, me, replace it with what can I give to you, you, you. Take the focus off of your happiness and place it on his happiness, and that of your children and his child. You are not just one person trying to have a relationship, you are a mother trying to connect with a father, and his child, while at the same time trying to do what is best for your children. When you care more about the children and about him than you fear for yourself, your "guard" will be down and you and he and the children can figure it out together.

Just take it day by day, or go a little slower than usual. it's normal to feel that way. He sounds great. Good Luck!

just pray and let God do the rest

same here, you just need blind faith.... remember... this could be the actual one, you only live once.....