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Who's right?
A few days ago I found myself in a state of morbid depression. Unbelievably sad. I went to my boyfriend, who listened to me for about 5 minutes, then said that he had to go help his friend study for finals. He left me, and came back an hour later, and said I could talk to him now. I was furious because he abandoned me, but I still needed him, so I went on to keep talking. In some of what I said, I referred to his friend as "that s.o.b". Disregarding the fact that I'm more upset and depressed than I have ever been in my life and I needed him, he started yelling at me for calling his friend that.
I flipped out and we haven't talked much for the last few days, mostly because he has been ignoring me completely. Keep in mind, for the last three years I have been this mans only emotional support, loved him through some unimaginable crap.
He says that he didn't do anything wrong, that I can NEVER call his friend names no matter what.
Was he wrong? Or am I?
1 Answer
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
"And" is the answer. It's not the answer you want to but it is my answer. Both of you have behaved in a way that would shock a stranger, yet both of you are closer to each other than you would be to any stranger.
I'll keep it neutral so you know I'm not picking on you, or him.
His friends are important to him, just like your friends are important to you. These are people he CHOOSES to be with, instead of being born into a relationship like a son-father relationship. Telling somone that you think their friend is a "s.o.b." is often interpreted as a direct critism of their ability to pick friends. You may not like a few of his friends, and he may not like a few of yours, but it is important not to denigrate his choices in life, thus indirectly humiliating him. He chooses to be with that person, just like he chooses to be with you. Respect his choices just like you want him to respect your choices.
Leaving you when you are depressed is very poor behaviour on his part. He could have called up his friend, and delayed the study session an hour later. You needed his comfort then. He could have told you that he had a prior commitment. There are so many ways he could have done it better. However, he did what he did, and that is that. He should think about the incident from your angle (you can help him with this). Let him judge whether he did something worthy of an apology, or whether it was justifiable. Resist the temptation to pre-judge what decision his judgement should reach.
If the both of you have come to the point where in order for one of you to win, the other has to lose, then here is the end result:
BOTH OF YOU LOSE, even though each of you secretly think that you are the one that wins and the other loses.
Every relationship improves tremendously when both persons win. There is more than one way for both of you to win, and what the both of you should do is seek the way that is best. I can only tell you that if you do that, it will be the better for the both of you.
