Does anyone know the funniest joke in the world?

Yes, I'm fairly sure that SOMEONE knows the funniest joke in the world [or thinks they do]. (and that person may not even be a commedian).

The body was sorting its self out and decided that one part had to be the boss. The brain said that he should be the boss as it done all the thinking for the body. The eyes said they should be the boss as they showed the body the world. The arms said they should be the boss for they did all the heavy work and they would do it in partnership with the legs as they carried the body. Then the anus said that it should be the boss and the rest of the body laughed they said you cant have an arsehole as the boss. So the anus went on strike. The brain had pain. The eyes watered. The legs and arms ached. This went on for several days untill the body could take no more and gave the anus the job. The point of this story. The boss has to be an arsehole

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma`am, I`m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I`ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That`s fine. Another thing, ma`am. I don`t like the way that one rein loops across the horse`s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That`s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I`m not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."

cHECK THESE AND LET ME KNOW IF U NEED MORE

Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week

Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months

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Why is golf called a wrong game?

Coz u hold a stick n put the ball in the hole instead of holding the ball n putting the stick in the hole

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There was A guy sunbathing nude at the beach. Well, A little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl says, “What’s under there?”

the man answers, “A bird.”

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain.

A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, “What happened?”

The man answers, “I don’t know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.”

So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.

She answers, “I didn’t do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!!”

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

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Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"

Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

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Husband asks , "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means ,

"With Idiot For Ever !!!"

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Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

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Teacher: Do you know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got

heart attack & our driver ran away.

A woman went to the chequeout at a suppermarket with a beddazled looking spanish man,and asked have you seen this ones twin brother.when the cashier asked why .she said she had found him in the buy j`uan get j`uan free isle.

Our sense of humour differs and so we can't all agree on the funniest joke in the world. But I have heard some rib crackers in my time.

I think all jokes are funny...

but i don't think there is a funniest joke in the whole wide world..

I there was a funniest joke the could be another joke funnier

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not just rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

Another policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog. The startled dog jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed...

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.