Need a good joke?

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.

Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."

Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."

Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."

Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and can't help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He disappears.

Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul disappears.

A lady storms into HR and says "I want to file a sexual harrassment complaint against that new guy!"

The HR director asked "What does he say to you?"

"Every morning, he walks in, takes a big whiff and tells me my hair smells terrific!"

The HR director says "That's not sexual harrassment".

The woman says "The hell it isn't. He's a midget!"

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

*************************************************

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to deliver a picnic basket to her gramma.

Before heading out, her mom tells her, "Little Red Riding Hood, be careful. The Big Bad Wolf is out there and he will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and f*ck your little red socks off."

Little Red Riding Hood takes a shotgun out of the closet and puts it next to her and says, "It's ok, I can handle it."

So, Little Red Riding Hood starts out on her journey. First she runs into the Three Bears.

They say, "Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing out here all alone? Don't you know the Big Bad Wolf is out here and he's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and f**k your little red socks off?"

To which Red Riding Hood shows them the shotgun and says, "It's ok, I'm covered."

So, Red Riding Hood continues on, and sees the Three Little Pigs.

They say, "Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing out here alone? The Big Bad Wolf is out and when he finds you he's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off."

Red Riding Hood again, pulls out the gun and says "I'll be alright".

So, Red Riding Hood is walking and she sees none other but the Big Bad Wolf.

The Wolf says , "Little Red Riding Hood, I have found you! I'm gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off".

Red Riding Hood pulls up her little red dress, pulls down her little red panties, lays down on the ground, points the gun at the Wolf and says "NO. You're gonna EAT ME like the BOOKS says!"