what's the funniest joke you know?

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks

into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to

the bed,he gets on top of her, appears to kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's

an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

Just do whatever he tells you. This guy is probably very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Satisfy him no matter how much he

nauseates you.Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought

you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."

Rufus and Jake were drinking at a local Bar. They decided to take a beer and go. On the way, they spotted a traffic check ahead. Rufus said "Jake we're gonna get into trouble with this beer in the car". Rufus said "don't worry about it, just hurry and finish your beer".They finished their beer and Rufus peeled the labels off the beer bottles, stuck the labels on their heads and threw the bottles under the seat. When they got to the traffic stop, an officer approached them and asked "Have you boys been drinking"? "No man", replied Rufus, pointing to his head, "we're on the patch"....................

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a burger, sits down and eats it. As he is walking out the door, the bartender said, "you didnt pay me!" So the panda took out a gun and shot him. Then he walked out the door. A man that was sitting next to the panda saw the whole thing. He took out a dictionary and looked up the word panda. "Eats shoots and leaves."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advantage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong". She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that f*ckin ice cream van hadn't come along,"

Ok i have one for you and i hope you love it! A teacher stands in front of the classroom and say to her pupils" if you think you're stupid, stand up '' after a few seconds one boy gets on his feet and stands. the teacher ask him" so you think you're stupid? and the boy replies "no, it's just that i felt pity for you standing alone.

ummm, k...

1. three ducks are swimming out in tricity pond (a pond near where i live) and the cops arrest them. they're court date is set for the next day. on the court date, the first duck waddles into the courtroom. the judge, curious, asks "What's your name and what did you do wrong?"

"Well your honor, my name is Quack and i was caught doing Bubbles."

furious, the judge says, "That is a disgrace to be caught doing Bubbles! that's it, 5 days in jail and parole (cnt spell)"

the second duck waddles in...

"Well, what is your name and what did you do wrong?" the judge asks.

"Well, your honor, my name is Quack Quack. and i was arrested for doing Bubbles."

Anger the judge yells, "Another one! that's it. 5 days in jail and Paroll"

the judge's patience was thin, so when the third duck walked in, he yelled, "Let me guess... your name is Quack Quack Quack and you were caught doing Bubbles!"

the duck stands there confused ..."No sir, my name is Bubbles."

Two penguins walked into a bar, which is really stupid because the second one should have seen it coming.

I'd tell you, but I'd probably get reported by some prude.

How about....a man walked into a bar. It hurt.

My all-time favorite is...

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told her twice.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/478677/fat_man_denie...