Tell me a joke...?

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said:

"Here's to spending the rest of

me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife,Mary,

"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye,did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the

rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street

corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

-----

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "*****!"

They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig standing in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen (DUH)

there was an old couple sitting inthe living room watchng tv one night, the man looks over at his with and says, i think i will get me some icecream you want some? and the lady says sure i will have some vanilla with a scoop chocolate and some strawberry syrup on top, now write that down so you dont forget, you know we are getting old and starting to forget things, an the old man says i dont need to write that down i can remember what you want, you want vanilla with a scoop of chocolate and some strawberry sryup on top, right? she says yes but better write it down just in case, the old man grumbles and says hell lady i can remember it leave me alone, and goes into the ketchen, a few moments later comes back out and says here your sandwich, and the old lady say i know you should have written it down i told you mustard not mayonase on my dam sandwich..........

HAND have a nice day!

Three blond women are walking down a beach and they find a magic lamp. They rub it and the genie comes out. The genie tells them that normally one person would have 3 wishes, but since the three of them found the lamp they each got one.

The first woman tells the genie that she's tired of being treated like trash and she wishes to be 50% smarter. *Poof* the genie turns her into a redhead.

The second woman says that she's tired of being treated like garbage also and wants to be 100% smarter. *Poof* the genie turns her into a brunette.

The third woman says that she LOVES being treated like trash and she wants to be 100% dumber. *Poof* She turned into a man.

One time there was this girl called Fuckerada, and her mom never let her brings boys over to the house, one day she brought over this guy while her mom was out and they went upstairs and started to screw. Her mom came home early and called "Fuckerada, Fuckerada?"

And the guy shouted back "I'm f*cking her as hard as I can"!

two men are sitting in a bar. one of them asks, 'are u indian'.

the other replies ' yes, but u 2 look'

'right, i am from delhi'

'great! i 2 am from there - in east delhi?'

now this is wonderful. i 2 am from there. where did u do your PG from?'

'from DU'

'I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT. its such coincidence. in which year?'

'1987'

'I'll go mad.....'

Two waiters were watching them for a long time. one of them says, 'the Goyal twins r drunk again'

Q: how is the USS Enterprise the same as toilet paper?

A: they both circle Uranus getting rid of klingons!!

;-)

what's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

beer nuts are 3.99 a pound and deer nuts are still under a buck.

why is saturn in the west tonight instead the east?

because uranus farted !