how common is it for parents to bring their child down so much & put negative thoughts into their head?

Vicki, it is way too common. But just one occurrence makes it bad news. I'm very sorry for how uncomfortable it must be for you to live at home.

I hope you are not marrying this fellow as a way to leave home. As you suggest, you may have some scar tissue. Women generally look for bf's who are like their fathers and may have a marriage not unlike their parents.

Your parents may be speaking correctly about the man you are planning to marry, but because of how they've treated you all your life, how can you trust anything they might say to you? So, what do your friends or siblings or others think about your bf? Listen carefully.

Watch for any signs that your fiance is treating you as your parents have. If you're getting a gut feeling, get some professional therapeutic counseling to help figure it out and nip it in the bud before it's blooming out of control.

Good luck.

LindaLou

I can some what understand where you are coming from. My childhood wasn't the greatest either. My mom and dad always have tried to bring me down and it's funny how they still try do it to this day. They are always telling "oh that won't work, or you have to do this or that." I am going to start my own business and man when they heard that I thought they were going to explode!!!! Because they think that is not the way it should go, I am supposed to get a job and pay my bills on time and pretty much be a slave to society. I'm sorry,but that is just to stupid for me to even understand. Why should I do what they say and live my life like theirs which btw they don't have one at all because they are so worried about money and everything else. I have to kids and I am going to work my butt of to give them everything I didn't have including a great childhood, I don't want to have to worry about if they can or can't go on a school field trip cause it doesn't fit into my budget, I want to be able to take them around the world, if they have a report on France I want to take to france and have them see it and write their report. You know, You can never not talk to your parents no matter what, however you can not listen to them and let them bring you down. Your are grown. You are you, and only you can make the choices you want to make. See they are waiting for you to fail so they can say " See i told you so." They don't want you to better than they are. Do what you have to do and prove them wrong and they'll feel so stupid and realize that they are wrong and if that doesn't work then say to them " Look I'm grown now and I make my own decisions and I don't need you critizing everything I do, by doing what you are doing you are just drinving me further away and if thats what you want then so be it." Try that. Worked on my parents.

Honey, ALL parents damage their children psychologically. Some worse than others (sexual abuse, for example).

My parents did a lot of the same things yours did. I was angry at them for a long time, until one day I didn't see them as parents, but as people. And people aren't perfect. They did the best they could.

Your parents probably are only trying to "bring you down" to save you from disapointment and pain. They are trying, in their own way, to protect you.

Now when my mom puts a worse case scenario in my head (when I told my mom I was divorcing and she said if I do that I will be poor and have to struggle to survive) I gently told her that might happen, but it is a chance I'm willing to take so I can be happy. I told her not to worry.

When I was younger that would have made me angry (she cares more about money than love?!!) but now I can see that she is afraid of poverty and doesn't want me to suffer. She grew up in a large family, and they couldn't even afford toothpaste. She was so poor I won't let her tell me about her childhood because I start crying LOL. I understand now where she is coming from.

Now that I'm a mom, I know I make mistakes. In fact, I do many of the same things my own parents did, even though I try not to, and I only hope my son will forgive me for it.

Please, don't stop talking to your parents.

Commit to life, in everything ,the way you are being treated is the way 50% of children of parents are treated today ,please remember you will be free ,it makes you feel do they love me or am i just a whipping post , the main thing you need to know you our somebody, no matter what you think you will be out on your own soon ,because things wont always be that way,clear your head out those racing thoughts are bad , you have to let go of that anger talk to a friend / a pastor/ an aunt you trust , close the door on the past what happened dont even go there because you are just using the past to control you on what is going on now, i remember going to a shrink for six months having a pity party for my self telling him all the bad things that happen to me ,he said we talked about all the bad things that happen to me for the last 6 months has there been any thing in your life been good, i was baffled i said, i never thought about those things, do you think there on your side and love you and they get angry because they have already been throught this them selfves one more thing i hope this is not a jail house love affair or some one you met on line ,you never mentioned where he is,which gives me the pause to think how come your saving the money,wheres the guy i hope your not going to support him and that possibly. he is a alcoholic or addict it wont last one week for him telling all his sad stories to you and ask you,to belive all his sad stories of woe,to get your money to blow it . so i hope he is an upstanding guy, no matter what mom and dad says or anyone on the internet says your going to do what you want anyway . GOOD LUCK BUT IM SURE THERES ANOTHER SIDE OF THE STORY YOU HAVNT TOLD.

Unfortunately it suprisingly common, even in this day and age of "enlightenment" for parents to have this effect on their children and it is a form of abuse. It leaves scars that take a very long time to heal, for sure ... but it can be done and no ... you don't have to worry about developing your mother's traits. The pattern can be broken and turned into a healthy working relationship with any children you may have. In short we can learn from past tragedy and take the measures to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Our whole family was subjected to varying degrees of the same type of parenting you just described. The older siblings, now in their 60's still struggle with it from time to time, perhaps carried on the pattern to some extent with their own children, have been able to look back on it with sadness and worked with their children to resolve the issues. Those issues now resolved, their children are raising the grandkids with such respect as to know we all succeeded in changing what has plagued our family for generations. It's a really good feeling. But we had really great mother who worked so very hard to erase the unwitting negativity she caused during her alcoholic days. You may have to break away from your family's influence completely to get healthy yourself. Not necessarily forever, just long enough to gather the confidence and communication skills to stand your ground in a non-threatening way and walk away when and if you recognize the abuse happening again.

My heart breaks for you, because I know exactly what you are going through. My mother was raised by a woman that never gave encouragement to her children and unfortunately that trait was passed to my mother.

Once I reached my teens I finally realized that there was nothing I could do to "please" my Mom and began to live my life the way that I thought was best for me. Sometimes it wasn't, but then, I had nobody to blame but myself.

Several years later and shortly before her death, my mother finally admitted that I had "turned out pretty good". Coming from her, I felt like I had just been bestowed with the Noble Peace Prize.

All I can really say is, live your own life, even if it means disagreeing with your parents, but remembering that they only want what is best for you, even if they don't know how to express it.

Its usually common most parents usually "put down there child" b/c they want you to grow up faster in a way, making sure your doing the right thing for yourself. Shes either wants to push you towards adulthood or theres a serious issue.

In your situation i would sit down with your mom when shes drinking a beverage and relaxed and ask her why did you do this? the best way is to talk and not ignore, ignoring can lead to many more problems

Get your finances together as quickly as you can and get out of that house.You are not obligated to your parents,you did not choose to be born.Just because they are family does not mean they are healthy people to be around.Only you can make the choice as to whether or not you want a relationship with your parents and to what extent you want to have said relationship.As for me I have a father who is like your parents,I don't speak to him and haven't for several years.My life has been better because of it.Whatever you do,don't let them "F" you up more than they already have.Focus on your wedding and ignore what they say,get your stuff together and get out.

Oh my, sounds like your parents have some issues. This sort of thing is not normal. So sorry for your childhood! You HAVE to separate yourself. They don't want you to leave and give attention to someone else. You have to show them you are a responsible adult that can make it on your own and make your own decisions successfully. You don't have to stop talking to them all together. However, you need to surround yourself with positive people, not negative. Good luck!

Get out of there as soon as you can. It is not right to be treated that way. It's like they don't want to share you with anyone and want you to be totally dependent on them. If you love this guy stick with him, hopefully he is great for and to you. Don't listen to your mom, you know what is best for you. You can overcome all that has happened. Once you are out of her house, maybe you will have to think about the contact you want to have. We put up with a lot from relatives - we love them even when they are not nice to us - but we don't have to put up with it. Good luck to you.