What do you think.?

Question

Today I felt so depressed, no clear thoughts at all ,so I decided to take a walk.My head up and counting steps, looking straight ahead. The wind was nippy, but I didn't care.I kept my head straight and walked on.In a distance I seen an old lady, so worn, and so frazzled,so cold looking. Her walk was slow, sorta limping, or dragging maybe.Her hair was sorta gray, out of place, maybe from the wind.Her coat hang longer on one side, she carried a tattered bag. As I drew closer I could see a forlorn look in her eyes. A sad wrinkled face, scared from worry, hurt, hard work, a sad ,unloved self pity look upon her face. we came closer.I tried to smile, seems she tried to smile too.I felt a tear, she wiped her hand across her face. Another step and I could almost touch her. But something stopped me.................A Mirror.    I wrote this myself.

MLJ · Accepted Answer

now remember you asked ok.  It's ok, but you could make it better and this is my opinion of better.

Today I felt so depressed, so to clear my head I took a walk. My head down and counting my steps, the cold wind whipping at me like it was trying to numb my sadness. Looking up I could see an awkward shaped silouhette moving towards me.   As we came closer I could see her wind blown thinning hair. The coat she was wearing was a size too small and the lining was ripped and hanging on one side. Her bag was tattered and worn and she hung on to it as if her whole life was inside of it.  As I passed her I turned to look at her and saw a face wrinkled from years of living what must had been a hard and thankless life.  Her eyes looked dead and cold from years of selfpity and lonliness. As we got closer I thought I recognized her so I smiled and asked her if she knew me. I could see by her tear stained cheeks she had been crying.  I felt a need to reach out to her but realized I couldn't because something was stopping me...a mirror.

P.S. I hope I didn't offend you by my rewriting your story. Sorry if I did, didn't mean too.
If you don't mind how old were you when you wrote this and how long did it take...and did you have to revise it many times or did it just come out just like this?  Just curious.

Smokey M · Answer

The writing is good, very good. I think the post might be better placed though, if it were somewhere else other than the marriage and divorce section. Maybe in poetry or is there a literature section?

make_it · Answer

i like it, the description of the walk, the feeling, the look on the woman, it sounded more than a poem, like an actual account of what you did today when you where feeling depressed.
I would change the mirror ending, seems kinda cliche, but thats me, nice work tho, keep on writing.

javelin · Answer

I think you posted this in the wrong category.  Try 

Home > Arts & Humanities > Poetry

ron-D · Answer

It's alright.  It's almost predictable.

grammy ss · Answer

that was so beautiful..very touching..you have such a great talent and such a lovely touch...keep writing I truly enjoyed that ....and I'm picky at what I read.....awesome.....

frawlicious · Answer

It is really good. I hope that you keep writing. Good Luck to you!

faith · Answer

Very good!

Anonymous · Answer

thats very good i liked it a lot

Anonymous · Answer

that had good detail and it was very nice to read

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What do you think.?

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