joke: Work Dumps?

This is the definitive survival guide for taking that all important dump at work...

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd hits the water and the log is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the turd has to stink up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall to the sink to the door after you have just stunk-up the toilet. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF CLOSET DUMPER (OCD)

A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OCD enter the toilet with a newspaper, a magazine or a large work document under their arm and takes invariably long to dump. Always look around the office for the missing OCD before entering the toilet.

THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OCDs and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN

A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex or other assorted DFNs and OCDs entering the toilet.

TURD BURGLAR

A dumper who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur in mid-dump at work. If this happens, do not say anything (a short Camo-Cough is ok) and remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR gives up or leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants to the toilet that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the toilet immediately so the dumper can dump in peace.

WATERMELON

A log that creates a deep loud splash when hitting the water level. This is also an embarrassing occurrence. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a synchronised diversion, see CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELLETE

A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the water. Often followed by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE in sync.

UNCLE TED

A toilet user who seems to linger forever. Could spend an immoderate length of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the can. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the can. Consider waiting to take a dump until the toilet is empty. This benefits you as well as the other attendees.

FLY BY

The act of scouting a toilet before dumping. Walk in and check for other dumpers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly popping into the toilet even if it is just to check it out.