Confused and need help (no teenagers please)?

Your going to make mistakes, that is inevitable. Like a baby learning to walk, you take things one step at a time. It sounds to me like you're really not interested in this guy, because if you were, you wouldn't be questioning yourself about it. Mama needs to understand that you are an adult, and as such, you need to lead your own life and make mistakes, it called growing up. Your mom may not take too kindly your decision to start making your choices/decisions, but it is your life. She had the opportunity to live her own life, she doesn't need to live yours too. It sounds to me that your mom is a very controlling and maybe manipulative person. Although, she may not even be aware of what she is doing. Time to have a talk with mom, let her know that you know she is only trying to do what is best for you, but she needs to understand that if she really wants what is best for you, she needs to let you go and make your own way. I have lots more to say on this subject, but will let it rest as I don't want to overload or bore you with my thoughts on the subject. Best wishes to you.

You need to take control of your life. Start by changing your major to what you want. Go out with different guys. Sometimes mother doesnt always know best. If you think you might like the guy she picked then spend some time with him away from your mom and decide for yourself. If you like the friends she has choose then cool if not then get new ones. I know its not easy but you have to be the grown up you are suppose to be now. Your 21 and noone but you can control your life. Everyone makes bad decisions, its a way of life...what makes some people different is that they learn from them and move on. You have your own mind....if you make a bad decision you cant blame anyone but yourself. Having someone else to blame is not good since it can lead to harsh words being said and accusations being made when the day comes that you take control of your life. I hope this helps. Remember everyone is shy about something at some point in thier life...you just have to move past that to find your inner confidence in yourself. Good Luck

You are I are quite similar, I'm 21 and also have had a controlling mother but caring one. Many decisions based on the parents.

You are worried about making the wrong decisions?. The best decision for you is the wrong decision!. but your own wrong decision. I suggest you get out on your own and try make as many choices as you can. Our lives are too short to be afraid to take the wrong path, because, hell. What is the wrong path?.

If you like who you are as a shy person. Then that's who you are, but if you want to change, why not. Say what's on your mind all the time. You might and probably will offend people, but who cares?. there are like 6 billion people on this planet. no one will care if you strip naked and run around the street. Say what you want to say!.(the dead honest truth works wonders)

I can't tell you if you like this guy or not, perhaps because I am a guy, heh.

Live by yourself, get a flat in the city?. It might be tough at first, but the hardest step is always the first step.

Best of luck

Well, you need to go out on dates with this guy alone, without your mom around, and then don't tell her anything at all about how the date went so you can try to analyze for yourself whether you got along with this guy or not. Does he make you feel good about yourself? Are you attracted to him? Does he seem like a man you could trust?

If you don't like your major, you should talk to your advisor at school and see about changing it to something you like, or if you can't do that, then at least take some extra classes in a field you are interested in! Once again, the key here is to not tell you mother about any of this so she can't get a word in about it!

You get to make your own decisions about friends. If you don't like your friends, then they are not really your friends at all. Try talking to some people at school and see if anyone wants to study together. Try to study at their place or at a coffee shop so mom doesn't meet them or hear about them.

You probably will make some bad decisions at first, but it won't be the end of the world if you do, you'll just learn from them and do better next time.

Worst comes to worst, you may have to do what my husband did - move to another state away from mom so she can only bug you by telephone, and then you can always screen your calls if you need to! You could run away an start all over somewhere new if it comes down to that.

Good luck!

Start with decisions that are small and won't upset your mother, such as hanging out with a new friend that you made at school, or something of the sort. Second, choose a different major-- you don't have to tell your mother. Third, stand up for yourself and get of this rut, before you find a man. If you stay like this, then you'll just end up with a husband who treats you the same way and chances are you will one day break out of this and realize how much time you could have spent doing things you wanted to do... just remember, you're still young enough to not regret it. Take one day at a time and each day do something that you wouldn't normally do, but would like to-- even if it is wearing a color that you normally wouldn't or trying something new to eat. Say hi to the kid sitting next to you, or watch a show you normally wouldn't watch. Once you do something, even the smallest of things, you'll start to want to do more, because you'll have a taste of it already. Good luck!

OK, first of all, part of life is that we ALL make bad decisions from time to time. I've made some AMAZINGLY bad decisions in my time. But you can't let fear of that keep you from making any EVER.

fear = FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL.

I've seen being trapped into becoming "the caregiver" happen to at least one person in every family I know, and it is a horrible fate. Dodge that bullet.

If you and I had met a few years ago, I'd have suggested you find a way to break apart, find yourself, and still be around to help on a purely part time basis. But if you've been under this long enough to not know what part of what you want is really YOU, you need a clean break. Otherwise, you'll be stuck until she passes on, and then you'll not know what to do with yourself.

The good news is, I see an out. In this economy, there are TONS of people who would trade free rent for the part time job of care giver. People who are not YOU. An ad in the local papers will get you 4 dozen rplies, I'm sure.

Move out, NOW. Drop your major, and for the next year, take classes in as many disciplines as possible. For all you know, you are supposed to be an art restorer, or a translator, or a hundred other possibilities. Find out.

Tell the fellow your mom chose that he may be very nice, but he's just not what you are looking for right now.

There are a lot of steps after that, but I do not wish to overwhelm you. Every journey begins with a single step, if you plan every single one of them, you'll never start.

I have one movie, and one book to suggest to get you started.

Muriel's Wedding is the movie http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110598/

Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

http://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Thoughts-Living-...

they'll get you started. good luck!

Guaranteed: I'm no teenager and have lived and seen it all. You are now an adult and have the right and obligation to live your life as YOU decide. You should decide whether or not to marry, when and who. You must have a talk with her and make it very clear that she is no longer in charge of making your decisions for you. YOU will choose your friends, decide where to work, your career, etc.

If you continue to allow her to run your life, you will become increasingly resentful of her. She is controlling and manipulative, and you may not be able to change her, but you can certainly choose whether or not you will care for her as she ages and gets ill. She may be right about a guy not wanting to marry you after you're her primary caretaker, but it's unfair to any man to marry him with this perverse plan in mind.

WHY do you think you have to be her primary caretaker? Just because she says so? Have you no other siblings? They are equally responsible for her. And there are so many other options: senior housing, assisted living, etc, etc.

You need to start thinking and choosing what's best for you. If and when you marry, your primary relationship will be with your husband, not your mother. If you want to find out if you even like this man, start getting to know him, with the mutual understanding that you are not letting your mother choose your partner for you. If he can't accept that you are an independent person, he may not be the right man for you.

If you don't start standing up for your rights as an individual, any man you choose to marry will probably control you as well. It will be poor little you and two emotional thugs running your life. Is this what you want for yourself?

Tell her firmly and without anger to butt out. You may owe her life itself and she may have put you through school, etc., but if she wants to get along with you as adults, she's going to have to let you live your own life.

Your mother is scared to be alone. However, just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she owns you. Do you want to be her primary caregiver? If not, there are other options (regardless of what she may want, you have a life to live). There is a line between love and control and I think it is blurred for her. You have to be able to make your own decisions, and when it comes to getting married, that is 100% your choice, not hers. Marriage will be something that is (supposed) to be for life, and you want to marry for love and not for obligation (especially an obligation to your mother). She and you are not stuck together like glue, you need some independence. As difficult as it may be, and as much as you love your mother (obviously), it is time to draw the line and trust yourself to make good decisions. Start by not going out with this guy that she is insisting upon, unless you feel an attraction or connection. That is the beauty of living in our century, we women get to chose the man we marry (or none at all) and the career we chose! Good luck, I know these are rough times for you, and you feel guilty if you don't follow her instructions to the tee, but remember, she won't always be here with you, eventually she will die and then who is going to decide things for you. She needs counseling, but I am willing to bet she would refuse it, because it wasn't her idea. You poor thing. I hope the best for you!

Life is just that making good decisions and bad ones. If you never make a bad decision you'll learn what to or what not to do. Don't discuss anything with your mom anymore, do what feels right in your heart. If she should die today or tomorrow you would have to start making decisions for yourself then why not start now. It may be hard but I believe you can do it. If you and this young man have alot in common, your goals are the same, are like minded and have fun together I say go for it. You'll never know until you try.

Sounds to me like you need to change your major and university. if you truly want freedom from her, you must first put your foot down and start saying NO to her. You must consider what's the worst that can happen in any situation and then be brave enough to take a small step away from her control Start with something simple. read a book she wouldn't approve of, or go see a movie you know she doesn't like. Once the first step is made, it gets easier to stand up to her dominance. lets face it, the worst that can happen is that you will be living on your own, making all your own decisions.

You might also consider looking into seniors facilities in your city so that when she DOES need help you can move her into one. Let her know that you are not willing to sacrifice everything to her wants.