Confused and need help (no teenagers please)?

You'd know if you like the guy! I think she's putting waaaay too much pressure on you! My suggestion is to go at your own pace, if you don't want to date right now---don't.

On the other hand, a huge two family house (with a controlling mom) doesn't sound too bad for me - let's date! lol

Bless your heart, that's a lot of pressure!!!! Your mom is "old school", raised in an era where women were taught that they MUST be married to be taken care of. You're mom might be correct in that it would take a special man to walk into that situation, but the fact remains that this situation is already happening. You just need confidence in yourself that you can handle this! You can, you absolutely can manage all this on your own. Talk to your mom and let her know that by allowing her to make all of your decisions for you, she is crippling your ability to grow up and decide life choices on your own. It's wonderful that you are going to care for her, and it's actually pretty cool that she's purchased a bigger home in the hopes that it will help your future. What you really need to do is develop a life of your own, outside of your mother. Do you attend church? If not, it's a great place to start, especially if you begin attending a larger church that has a lot of social groups available to join. Try meeting people rather than looking for a mate. This guy your mom introduced you to, try a few dates with him. Time will tell how you feel about him. Don't like your major? You can always change that. Just remember, YOU have control of your life. Honestly, she'll feel good knowing your taking charge of your life. She'll want the peace of mind of knowing you can stand on your own two feet when she's gone one day.

Wow.. if this is for real, I am so sorry for you. You're an adult and you need to start making decisions for yourself. You say your mother is in failing health but has a guy picked out for you. What this means, to me, is that if this man accepts what your mother is doing to you, he's going to take control of you when your mom passes on. You need to seek counselling, first and foremost as this will not be an easy transition for you to make. Do you really want to live the rest of your life being someones slave as you have for the past 21 years or would you rather let go, live your own life, make your own decisions and be happy? Everyone makes bad decisions, we're not perfect. So you don't need to dwell on the mistakes that you will make because the achievements and happiness will overrule any mistakes that you've made. For your own sanity, stop this cycle right now and do not marry this man!

This is very complicated. Not uncommon, as my mother is controlling as well. Always disapproves my decisions, blames me if not a huge success, etc. My initial attempt to subtly distance myself didn't work that well, so I ended up moving away and setting boundaries.

You are only 21, and I don't think you should feel you have to marry anyone unless you get to know them (not under duress) and decide that is the best decision. Isn't there anyone else in the extended family you can discuss the in's and out's of your mom's failing health with?

Once you are making your own decisions, you have to accept some of them will not work out. You do your best, and learn from the mistakes. Move on to the next thing.

I think you should find a good counselor and discuss this situation with them. Give them all the information, and hopefully they can guide you through.

I have a mother just like this one. Don't let anything dictate what you want in life because she will make you miserable. Ok she may be dying and she may not last long. Let her live out her days as long as she has and when she's gone, you are free! You will be finally able to think and feel and do all the things that you want to do. While that's sick and demented to say, it's the honest truth. At least you know there will be a rainbow on the other side of all this. As for the guy, well the feelings are probably not real.

Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. my thoughts go out to you. Okay, now as far as you telling whether or not you like the guy, do some deep soul searching. Ask yourself what specifically do you find attractive in the guy, do you like being with him? Can you see yourself still with him twenty or thirty years down the line and still in love with him? Those are the things you need to ask yourself. If not, I'd let the guy go for not only your sake but for the guy's because you're just leaving him hanging with false hope. Now about your life decisions, first off, like with the guy, do some thinking of what you want in life and what you would like to accomplish. Also look at your life now and think of what you would like to change and/or add so you can feel more well-rounded and happy. Remember, "There is no worse decision than the decision to not do anything".

I know this sounds harsh, but you seriously need to take control of your life. Write a letter to your mom so that you can say everything you want to say without interruption explaining you must be the one who makes these decisions. Who you marry is a huge decision and you are the one who will have to live with it.

Don't be afraid you might make a bad decision. Maybe you will, but that is how you learn and make better ones next time. There is no shame in making mistakes if you learn from them. That's just part of growing up and it sounds to me like she has never given you the freedom to make ANY of your own mistakes.

You don't have any confidence in yourself and the LAST thing you should do in that situation is get married. You might find yourself with someone who will take over where your mom leaves off and you will always be under the control of someone else. You deserve better than that.

Ok...first off, do you have a job? If not get one, save up and move out. Do you know what you actually want to major in? If so switch majors. Do you even want to be IN school? Moving out will give your mother less influence over the decisions you make. Don't just settle for who your mom chooses for you, unless you actually have feelings for this guy, it's not going to work. DON'T by ANY means let your mom guilt you into becoming her caretaker...It seems kind of selfish to be asking you to do that. i don't think this is your problem, your mother sounds VERY controlling and selfish. Most mothers want their kids to grow up, make good decisions and fly on their own. Your mom is living your life. It's the only thing we ever truly own, take control of it.

Honey you are way past the age to start deciding things for yourself.I don't know how you could of let your Mother control your life so long.Most girls as teenagers rebel against their Mothers when they try and tell them who their friends should be etc.I say just take that leap and don't be forced to be with someone,just because she thinks it's right,how do you know if you will even be happy.Don;t you want to pick someone you really love and want to be with.And so what if you make the wrong decisions or choices,that's what life is all about.We learn from our mistakes and take away something from it that will help us in the future.The fact that your starting out so late in life to make your own choices,does not mean you can't,it's never to late to be happy.But you just have to start taking control of your own life.How do you know the decisions that she has made for you were always the right ones.Maybe for her they were.So stop being scared and get out there,before things pass you by that was meant for you.Good luck

Who ever said you had to take care of her when her health fails and she needs to be taken care of? This is why adult care facilities were begun. You are being smothered and it is emotionally unhealthy for anyone, not just you. You need to get out of your mother's house and live on your own. So what if you make bad decisions in life. We all do that. You have to learn for yourself or you will not be able to function at all. Get a counselor and start making the steps towards independence. It is time. You can go back to college and major in whatever you want or you don't even have to worry about it at all. Get a job, stick with it, save your money and get out of your mother's house and on your own. You may mess up a little, but that is normal. You will learn as you go and be wiser for it. When your mother needs extra care, get it for her and see to your own needs. If you really like this guy, keep him. If not, kick him to the curb and move on. Your mother is making you an emotional cripple. And you really need to break free. A counselor can help you do this. Once you start this process, don't look back. Keep on going! Your future depends on your success with this move. I know you can do it! Hang in there!

She sure has set you up, hasn't she?

First thing I'd advise you to do is to move out of her house. She can hire someone else to take care of her. She is very sick mentally, that she would raise you up and teach you that you are not capable of making your own decisions. This has become your self-fulfilling prophesy......you actually believe that you are a shy, timid 21 year old. You've heard it so long that you buy into that.

Fortunately, you don't need to keep living like what she said to you is true. It is obvious that since you are reaching out here, that you are questioning her.

It is not true that you are unable to make good decisions in your life. That is a lie that she has perpetuated.

Start teaching yourself that you can make good choices. Start with the little things that make you feel good.

Start changing her words with positive words (in your head at first)

Start reading books about developing strong friendships, a good self esteem, faith in God.

Get a job and move out of her house. You are not responsible to care for her; that is manipulative behavior on her side.

As a young adult, you should be in college, working full time and making friends and relationships independent of your mother.

You can't take her word for everything. She is exploiting you and manipulating you for her benefit.