What should I do with my college student son that is treating my wife and I poorly?

I say that it is time to set some boundaries.

First of all, your son is lucky to have parents who have done all they could to see that he has an education, and it sounds like you guys have done well.

Now, your son is grown up and you are trying to be the parent. He is too old for you to parent, isn't he? You've moved onto the role as "consultant" to your son.

Currently, it sounds like you are arguing or fighting with him. Why is that? Why are there threats and demands in both directions? Why are you not empathetic with him and why does he expect more from you?

You've enabled your son but it is time to stop enabling him. Allow him to grow up. If you want to continue to help him with the costs of the classes and books then so be it. Do what you want to do. But, don't pay for everything. What is he learning from this except that college is a free ride, he can demand everything he wants, and he doesn't have to work for anything he gets. This will be terrible, and you might eventually have him move back in because he won't know how to organize his life, budget his life and finances, and will be knee deep in debt.

Do yourself a favor and act like the grown up. Stop parenting him and start being empathetic. You don't have to enable him anymore. He is a grown man and needs to learn responsibility while he is still young.

If your son wants a car then be excited about it. Tell him that getting a car is great and if he wants help then you can offer him advice. Most people get jobs and make payments on cars. Most people don't have cars given to him. It also sounds like he is able to go to classes without a car. One thing nice about Universities/colleges is that things are very close by, and you don't really need a car.

You need some help in figuring out how to set boundaries without getting into a fight. You don't want to fight and you want to continue to be loving towards your son. If he wants to throw a tantrum then let him. Continue to be supportive, understanding, and empathetic. If he is verbally abusive then tell him that you love him and he can call back when he wants to discuss this. Then, tell him you will go but would love to chat with him later.

It is tough being young and having to make your own way. But, it is a good experience to have to go through. Let him grow up, be a consultant to him, and don't enable him anymore. Don't try to rescue him when he gets into a bind. It will be tough. But, if safety and harm is not an issue then he will be better off if you let him work through his own problems.

Get the following book:

Boundaries: By Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

PS: I just read a lot of the responses you got to this question. Don't follow any of the advice that you read that will cause you to be a jerk in return. Setting boundaries does not mean that you need to react in a way that will destroy a relationship. Do what I said above, be empathetic, love him, and read the Boundaries book. You will have a better idea on how to handle this after reading the book.

He's ungrateful and I'm sure that breaks your heart. If what you and your wife have done isn't good enough, then why continue? He's an adult. Let him fend for himself or hit up his rich friends. The process could be the most valuable learning experience he has.

Tell him that you love him and wish him well, but that you and your wife can no longer afford to continue making sacrifices that don't measure up to his standards. It's imperative that you and your wife stand together firmly on this!

Your son will be very angry and throw a tantrum. He'll go off and do his own thing, say horrible things about you and make some costly mistakes. You won't hear from him for a long while. When he finally does hit rock bottom and realizes that you did what you could for him out of love, he'll contact you with a softer heart.

Welcome him back then and not a moment sooner. Unfortunately, your son is a selfish user and a manipulator. He will try every angle--even making you feel guilty-- to get what he wants. Stop playing his game by enabling him to continue sucking your bank account dry and making you feel inferior and inadequate.

You sound like you have a sound idea of how to handle the situation. A parent can only do so much to raise and instill values in their children. At some point the parent has to realize that the child has a mind of his own and that he is responsible for his own actions.

You have done all you can and now it is time to move on with your life. I would have not been willing to pay for his college unless he was making a more than passing grade. My parents would only pay for college if I worked part-time and kept a "B" average.

Send your son a letter letting him know how much of a disappointment he has been to you and your wife. Tell him that you are his parents and he has no business treating you with anything but respect. Tell him you are cutting off all his financial help from you because you can no longer afford it and you have to consider what you and your wife need to survive now. Explain that you and your wife wish him well in his future but that you don't want to see him again unless he can treat you with the respect you deserve and have earned.

Good Luck

Your mistake was in trying to do everything possible to make your son happy. The results, he is spoiled rotten. Now you have a grown child on your hands that talks back and throws tantrums. You and your wife don't need this. The only way your son will ever grow up is if you cut off the financial help completely. He has the nerve to feel entitled in having you buy him a car. Tell him to get a JOB and to get a student loan for his college. He may one day grow up and then he may not, one thing for sure, you created a monster and now you and your wife are paying the price.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Your son is truly a spoiled kid, and at 20 he should know better than to act this way.

While I understand he's still young and that we live in a materialistic society which places a lot of importance on money and luxury; I think he should be grateful instead of being an insecure brat.

I think you should hold your ground; and tell him that you've HAD IT with his shitty attitude. I mean, come on! If you have tried to be good parents and have given him what you can with great sacrifice, the LEAST he could do is not only get good grades but also be able to count his blessings!

Since your wife is the one who caves in - mothers tend to act this way out of love- you should talk to her and you should act as a team. She needs to understand that you are very worried about your son's attitude; and that some "tough love" is needed so he can get his act together.

As you mentioned, it all boils down to respect.

We should respect our parents because they are our parents; the Bible tells you so. (Even if you have bad parents, you are not entitled to judge them- God will do that.)

So I say...Go for it! Write the letter and tell him clearly how upset and TIRED you are of trying to deal with him, and that since he's such an irresponsible and disrespectful son that you are now letting him be on his own.

Let's see how that "reality break" dawns on him! He obviously lives in "La-la-Land" and thinks he can have the same things his friends have. Well, he can't. And if he wants these things, he should be willing to work his butt off in order to get them, don't you think?

Good luck, and be strong. Do not let him manipulate you or your wife anymore. As parents, it is our duty to educate our kids and try to help them grow and turn into good, decent and productive human beings. The world has enough leeches already, right?

Um yeah this is what happens when you spoil and overindulge your children. First of all you do not owe your son an education, it is a gift. He shows no gratitude, and that is partially your fault for not raising him with respect. Parenting is hard but you have to draw the line somewhere. He needs to grow up and realize life just doesn't hand you freebies, if I was you I would tell him you will finish out the year and then he will have to pay for his own education. Millions of people all over the world are doing it. Remind your wife that unless he learns to stand on his own and be a man he will be just as disrespectful to his future wife and children. Boys treat their spouses the same as they treat their moms. So, for your grandchildren's sake it is time to stop enabling him and start giving him a lesson in becoming an adult. Save your money and do something for yourselves, after all you have both worked hard your whole lives.

I'am 22Yrs old and I will admit that I didn't see how much my parents gave me I would never treat them or anyone else like your son treats your wife and you I treated with my parents with respect but at the same time when I was in college on the financial side I never really thought to care how much money thay spent on keeping me happy I never agreed on how my father treated me all the time I had issues with myself as well so after college and spending thousands and thousands of my parents money I felt I had to leave and be on my own I knew I had a lesson to learn and I wasn't going to learn with them being around 24/7 being able to back me up so I left for everyone's good and until I could learn that my parents help was to be more respected then I was offering I wasn't going to talk to them. I left when I was your sons age and now I'm 22 married (4 months, lived with my husband from college on so it's been years) and about to have a baby in 4 weeks so I have learned my lesson and I'm still learning my lesson but I now know to respect what help I do get. My parents and I got hurt in the process of this all so I'm giving you a heads up as mad as you are now it will hurt when you cut him off. I do think you should tell him that if he wants to continue with school he will fund it if he wants anything or needs anything else it will be up to him. I would not however write a letter, that will cause more problems and stress on your wife and you letters cannot be taken seriously and from the sound of him he won't anyway. Find some way to talk face to face with him not on the phone to many hanging up issues. Good luck and I only hope that in the long run he will learn and you will be able to be proud of your son as my parents are of me. Let me know how things went on whatever you decide to do.

Don't send a letter. Don't put something like that in writing.

Just STOP the funds.

STOP .. listening to him. Literally.

When he calls and starts this disrespectful talk .. don't do something angry .. just say you have to go now .. and go .. get off of the phone.

Lots of people are experiencing the same thing with kids now. I have heard many people talk about it.

Stop the money. Stop the listening. If he wants to talk about the weather -- ok ... but when he starts asking for money & belittleing you - just take an exit.

You have done a lot for your son - and he does not respect you ... he is trying to push your buttons to get more out of you.

Don't give him a dime until he can show you respect ... like not calling you names .. and talking to you & your wife that way. Just don't do it.

Take this time to recoup your finances .. and your peace of mind.

Don't pay him to call you an _ _ _ hole.

Respect yourself, and your wife ... whether he does, or not.

I hear you ~~ You should cut him off. In the long run , you are doing your son no favors. He is so disrespectful & abusive. He needs a wake up call & he needs it now. Mother needs to see things from a point of view other then that of a Mother. Oh

how I hope you will alow him to grow up on his own. I can see where this is going because I am a good Mother with a supporting husband & have raised 5, now grown children. The last one, that we did far to much for, not because he asked but because we wanted to & had it. We denied him the ability to learn to do anything for himself. He had the good sense to pull himself away from us, so he could grow up . Praise God he is beginning to come back. NEVER EVER did he, are any of our children talk to us or demean us in a way that your son is doing. That is so awful. I hurt for you.

In reguards to what you want to tell him. Be careful with your words. Cut him off financially, a big YES. He's so smart, he'll be ok. Never cut him out any other way. Just sit back & watch him struggle, learn, fall, get up,attempt to apologize, find faith, what ever. Cut him off, Then Pray & put him in Gods care.

He sounds aggressive and narcissistic at the very least. Does he drink or do drugs? Has he always acted like he's special? Was he spoiled? Has he had bad influences for friends? He's acting so childish and rude, it's beyond the pale.

Regardless, just tell him the party is over. If he can't recognize the love and sacrifices you have made over the years while he grew up, maybe he can learn to stand on his own two feet.

Tell him to file for loans and grants.

Tell him to go find his own vehicle.

Hang up if he calls and talks trash to you.

Close the door if he comes over and disrespects you.

When he figures out he can't manipulate you any longer, then he will change his tune and act more respectful. If not, then he can go whine to someone else who will tolerate it. Tough love.