She's approaching 400 pounds. How can I tell my wife she's too big?

I would tell her that I'm worried about her in terms of her health. Let her know that you want to spend time with her - and you are concerned about what could happen to her if she continues to gain weight. (You might want to bone up on the different issues related to obesity). You might want to tell her that you want to spend more time with her. I don't know if you pray, but if I were you, I'd pray that God would give me the sensitivity to approach her in a way that won't hurt her, but that will let her know that you are concerned. Don't nag her or anything like that. Reassure her that you love her very much. She probably feels horrible about how she looks and feels - and embarrassed about it. At 400 lbs it is difficult.

If she shows interest in losing weight, you can help her. Not going overboard - but you can eat like she does (don't eat pie in front of her for example) - cheer her victories (maybe she has one bag of fast food instead of two or she might lose 5 lbs), encourage her, if she slips let her know how much you love her still. If she joins something like Weight Watchers, you can join with her or if she starts a program, maybe you can both take a walk together - 10 minutes a couple of days a week. Also, she might be struggling with something else ... and it is showing up in her weight.

Ultimately, she is going to have to make the decision to lose weight herself. She probably feels like she can't do it. But you can encourage her, pray for her, and love her - and support her.

OK, I have to lose about 30 lbs myself so I am no expert but could you have a veggie tray's all over the house? A veggie tray right at eye level in the fridge. The pantry totally stocked with healthy, organic snack foods- I mean the chips, cheese puffs, etc. - just the healthier versions. Put up really unattractive pictures of you to together as a couple right on the fridge at eye level? Try to do all the cooking? Ask her if the only thing that can be drunk in the house is water or skim milk because YOU are trying to be healthier and need to stay away from it. I think liquid calories are the most dangerous. Schedule an appointment with an endocrinologist to test for methabolic resistance and thyroid issues- I have to be honest primary care MD's really suck at this. Both myself and my sister's health issues were missed only when we saw an endocrinologist did things get better. Buy a treadmill and put it in front of the TV and YOU use it every night. It will maybe get her interested. As to cancel the cable- serious about this only. Pack a cooler of food (with a lot of variety and a love note)in her car and place it on the passenger seat so she has no really valid excuse for the fast food.

Give her love and attention more than usual... totally will boost her selfesteem and motivate her. Definitely you join Weight Watchers and keep the points slide scale on the fridge and check the points on food and say "wow, this snack is ten points" in front of her frequently.

Again, extra love and attention. Act very happy around her. Just thoughts not sure if they are right...

No I wouldn't stay with them - because likelyhood of the matter would have been that I would have addressed their health issues prior to it getting that bad, so chances are I would have left them prior to them hitting the 400 pound mark. If they weren't will to do something about their size during the first dozen or so times I have brought it to their attention, then they aren't going to do anything about it at all. I wouldn't leave them because they were over weight, I would leave them because they couldn't give two hoots about their health and haven't made any effort to help themselves

Why don't you suggest to her about both of you contacting the show of "Biggest Looser" for couples. They seem to have real good results and you can go together. It will be hard at first but once she sees how she is loosing the weight she will want to continue and loose the most weight. Has she seen a doctor about her problem because it could be a medical reason that she continues to gain so much weight. You did say how she ate a lot of fast food but I think there may be something else going on there. Give it some thought about the "Biggest Looser" show and discuss it with her. Who knows, she may go along with it and it would bring you two closer if nothing else. Good Luck

She is probably feeling insecure about her appearance, but does not know where to start to get herself better. Perhaps if you approach this to her in that you love her and are worried about her health, especially since you both need to be here for your children you may get a different response. Suggest a team effort for you both to loose some pounds and get in shape. Suggest that doing this will be something new to rekindle your love and get closer. Then take baby steps; research healthy eating habits, start taking walks together, check into weight watchers or another sort of health program. It does not sound like you are chauvinistic; I think you really care and want a better life for the both of you. Otherwise you would have already left her behind. Good luck.

I know a few women that have been heavy and putting on more weight over the years. They talk about doing something, and nothing occurs and it goes on for decades. If her pattern is one of inertia and over-eating (or food addiction), and it's been that way and worsening, it has to be very frustrating.

It's great that you want her to be successful!

It takes a lot of effort to change and it has to come from within . Sometimes there has to be some trigger within a person that finally motivates them to action. Realize that you can encourage, but you can't make her want to do it either.

I think some people intrinsically are motivated and want to stay healthy. Others put a low priority on it and resume old habits quickly.

Wanting something is one thing, following a plan to achieve it is another thing entirely.

My husband and I work out together and we like to see the results. Yes, we have to work at it, but what's the alternative?

Maybe this site can help:

http://www.obesityhelp.com/

Well, you could yell at her in this ear and then run around and yell at her in the other ear..............

Seriously, most overweight people have deep seated fear issues. As she was heavy when you married, this has been a long time coming. Her apprehension at trying to "fix" herself show that she doesn't want to be fixed. This is one of those things that goes back to her childhood and 99% of the time involves her father. It doesn't have to be a sexual thing, but has to do with father/daughter affirmation. The father's DUTY is to affirm that the daughter is the beauty. She is beautiful! Whether she is or not is totally irrelevant. Girls come in all shapes and sizes and like boys, get their share of peer abuse in school. She was likely ridiculed as a littel "fatty" when she was little and that was reinforced by her father instead of being disavowed.

Here's the deal. A girl that is a little chucky and is ridiculed in school that comes home to a loving, compassionate, understanding and deeply affirmative father - will have almost no problems when she grows up. She will take the verbal abuse from everyone because the only words that mater are the TRUTH that comes from the father. Get it?

I'll bet you dollars to donuts (forget the donuts) that this is your wife's story. You have no power in this. No one has the power in this except two people. Her father and God. If her father is still around he can fix this. If he is not around, then her other Father needs to step in and fix it.

She needs to be told that she is the beauty and everyday she looks in the mirror she tells herself that she's not.

This is real deep and you don't have the skills to do this. Love will not fix this. Encouragment will not fix this. Diets will not fix this for the issue is not food.

I hate to pull the "counseling" word. Your wife is in very deep pain and it's from a long, long time ago.

Ok at this time in her life, you have to approach it VERY carefully. She hates herself. She is depressed. She has no energy for her child. She has to WANT to lose the weight. And at 400 pounds, to her it seems impossible. Has she ever tried to lose weight? You HAVE to be supportive. Even when she is angry because it is not YOU she is angry with. She is angry with herself because she has let it get this far. She is just taking it out on you because you are there. I have been there. And I lost 100 pounds. Sometimes I felt SOOOO helpless and wanted to give up. Have her start with just changing her eating habits. After she has lost a little, she will have more energy and she will WANT to walk and do things. At her weight now, walking would hurt her legs and back and she would feel miserable. You or her can IM me and I can help her.

Take her to a doctor to explain to her the health issues involved with morbid obesity. She will be at risk for hypertension, coronary artery disease, hypercholesterolemia,diabetes, stroke, and a number of other deadly conditions if she doesn't try to take control of her weight. That is why at that size they call it morbid obesity. Explain to her that you love her and want her to live a long time and want to grow old together, and you won't have her if she keeps this up. If she can't lose the weight on her own, she may be a candidate for the gastric bypass surgery. I've known several people who have had that done with much success. She will be tinier than you by about 6 months after that surgery.

She is depressed about her weight, make no mistake about that. No one is happy at that size. It's never too late to do something about it, though.

If you can't sit down and speak with her calmly about it without her getting all violent and angry, then she's the one with the problem. She's just miserable and depressed and a little lazy. She needs to really work on losing weight. She'll be happier if she does. She's not thinking clearly. She may need some motivation. She's stuck in the fast-food habit and she's not making losing weight a primary goal and keeping it forefront on her mind. Tell her you'd really like for things to change and for you two to be healthier and happier. She's got to face these things. Otherwise, you may need to leave and let her stay miserable. Sorry to say but it's true.

Losing weight and changing eating habits is hard, believe me...I need to lose a few pounds myself. But I think you should have done or said something about this about 150-200 pounds ago. Good luck...