ok im wondering if some1 can give me some good jokes?

do you have a mirror in your pocket?

-------------------------------------------------

Because i think i can see myself in your pants.

hahahaaa.

this isnt anything you were looking for but made me and my friends laugh hard

Ground crew

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then

the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.

S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from the midget.

well this is just like a funny joke .. hope it helps.

So this guy went to the super bowl and he was in a bad seat. he looked down and noticed a guy in the front sittin with an empty seat next to him. the guy decided he would go to him and ask if he could sit there. he goes to the guy and asks if any one is sittin there the guy says well thats where my wife sits we come evry year but she passed away so she couldnt come this year. the other guy said he was sorry and asked if he could sit there for the rest of the game. the man said sure. after that the guy asks the man, so you couldnt get any friends or relatives to come watch the game with you?. and the man says no, they're all at my wifes funeral.

i know its not the best but i love it. lol

also if it helps there are some good jokes at comedycentral.com

Blonde Joke:

One day there were two blondes going to the mall. When thay got back they realized they forgot the keys in the car. One blonde realized it looked like it was about to rain. The two blondes began to panik. So one of them tried to use a hanger from thier bag of clothes. Then the hanger broke. Then man walked by and watched them try to open the doors. Then walked up to them and told them they were driving a convertible! :-D!!

i am good but not realy good jokes ok yo moma is so dum she gets locked at the grocry store and starve to death . yo moma is so ugly when she entered the voters said sorry no profinals 1 more yo moma so fat that dora cant even explore her hope u like it

i now its not realy good thats my best 1s

Yo mama is so fat that even the shadow of her @$$ weighs 50 pounds

if i throw a rock at u will u leave?

get out of my planet!

one day this indian decided to order a bath of tea. The next day he died in his TEPE (tea pee) but he also lives in a teepe

yo mama is so old she had no history when she went to school

yo mamas so fat she jumped in the ocean and all the whales sung we are family, even thou ur bigger than me

yo mamas so stupid she returned a doughnut cuz it had a hole in it

thats all i can think of right now...

3 flies on a toilet seat.

One zooms off to lick a dog turd.

He comes back to find only one fly left.

The fly asks the one remaining fly "Hey, where's the other guy?!"

The remaining fly says "Oh, he got pissed off!"

Yo' momma's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out!

Yo momma's so dumb when she saw under 17 not admitted sign she

went

>home and got 16 friends

>Yo momma's so poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folks

fingers

>Yo momma's so old one of her pets was on on Noahs Ark

>Yo momma's so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone

>Yo momma's so dumb she passed by YMCA and said hey look they spelled

MACYs

>wrong

>Yo momma's so poor people rob her house for practice

>Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals

>Yo momma's so poor she married young just to get the rice

>Yo momma's so dumb she failed a survey

>Yo momma's so dumb she fell up the stairs

>Yo momma's so dumb she asked for a price check at the dollar store

>Yo momma's so dumb she invented a silent car alarm Yo momma's

so

>dumb and poor that when I came over for dinner she read me recipes

>Yo momma's so dumb at bottom of application where it says Sign Here

she put

>Sagitarius

>Yo momma's so dumb she got a part time job painting skittles

>Yo momma's so dumb she put on her glasses to watch 20/20

>Yo momma's so dumb her brain cells are on the endangered species list

>Yo momma's so dumb her brain cells die ALONE

>Yo momma's so dumb her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take the

>Kleenex out of the box

>Yo momma's so dumb her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard

>Yo momma's so dumb her latest invention was a glass hammer

>Yo momma's so dumb her shoes say TGIF - toes go in front

>Yo momma's so dumb I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her

tail

>Yo momma's so dumb I don't even understand how stupid she is

>Yo momma's so dumb I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what

was on

>the other side

>Yo momma's so dumb I put a ScratchNSniff sticker on the bottom of the

pool

>and she drowned

>Yo momma's so dumb I said give me a quarterback and she gave me Dan

Marino

>Yo momma's so dumb I said it was chilli outside and she ran in and got

a

>bowl

>Yo momma's so dumb I said lets go to the superbowl and she ran and got

a

>spoon

>Yo momma's so dumb I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing

rod

>Yo momma's so dumb I saw her jumping up and down asked what she was

doing

>and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it

>Yo momma's so dumb I saw her walking down the street yelling into an

>envelope asked what she was doing and she said sending a voice mail

>Yo momma's so dumb I taught her how to do the running man and I havent

seen

>her since

>Yo momma's so dumb I think its a new world record

>Yo momma's so dumb I told her Christmas was just around the corner and

she

>went looking for it

>Yo momma's so dumb I told her drinks were on the house so she went and

got

>a ladder

>Yo momma's so dumb I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she

asked

>if I had anything written by Bart

>Yo momma's so dumb if brains were dynamite she wouldnt have enough to

blow

>her nose

>Yo momma's so dumb if brains were gas she wouldnt have enough to power

a

>fleamobile around the inside of a Froot Loop

>Yo momma's so dumb if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd

get

>change

>Yo momma's so dumb if you gave her a penny for her thoughts you'd get

>change

>Yo momma's so dumb instead of taking 4 bus she took the 2 bus twice

>Yo momma's so dumb it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg

>Yo momma's so dumb it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch

>Yo momma's so dumb it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hour virus

>Yo momma's so dumb it takes 2 of her to listen to music

>Yo momma's so dumb it takes 2 of her to watch tv

>Yo momma's so dumb it takes 4 of her to screw in a light bulb

>Yo momma's so dumb it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes

>Yo momma's so dumb it takes her 4 hours to watch a 1 hour movie

>Yo momma's so dumb it takes her an hour to cook minute rice

>Yo momma's so dumb it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot

Noodles

>Yo momma's so dumb on her job application where it says emergency

contact

>she put 911

>Yo momma's so dumb people were askin her for crack and she bent over

and

>said here

>Yo momma's so dumb she actually thinks these jokes are funny

>Yo momma's so dumb she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle

complaining it

>was broken

>Yo momma's so dumb she asked for help to use Hamburger Helper

>Yo momma's so dumb she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said

>Guess so she said Levis

>Yo momma's so dumb she asked me what yield meant I said Slow down and

she

>said What does yield mean?

>Yo momma's so dumb she asked me whats that letter after X and I said Y

she

>said Cause I want to know

>Yo momma's so dumb she asked me Whats the number for 911?

>Yo momma's so dumb she asked what time is the 12:00 lunch

>Yo momma's so dumb she bought a solarpowered flashlight

>Yo momma's so dumb she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows

at

>home

>Yo momma's so dumb she brought a cup to the movie Juice

>Yo momma's so dumb she brought a doughnut back to tha shop cause it

had a

>hole in it

>Yo momma's so dumb she called Dan Quayle for a spell check

>Yo momma's so dumb she called the 7-11 store to see when they closed

>Yo momma's so dumb she called the cocaine hotline to order some

>Yo momma's so dumb she can't even spell acronyms correctly

>Yo momma's so dumb she can't find her own house

>Yo momma's so dumb she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts

of

>water in the box

>Yo momma's so dumb she can't pass a drunk test when she is not even

drunk

>Yo momma's so dumb she can't tie her own shoe

>Yo momma's so dumb she chases parked cars

>Yo momma's so dumb she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on

the

>other side

>Yo momma's so dumb she cooked her own complimentary breakfast

>Yo momma's so dumb she cooks Indian curry with Old Spice

>Yo momma's so dumb she could not get into the first grade

>Yo momma's so dumb she couldn't read an audio book

>Yo momma's so dumb she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going

if I

>gave her two guesses

>Yo momma's so dumb she died before the police arrived because she

couldn't

>find the 11 button in 911

>Yo momma's so dumb she died boiling water in the toaster

>Yo momma's so dumb she does not know what she is talking about

>Yo momma's so dumb she forgets to pick you up at school

>Yo momma's so dumb she forgets what she is thinking before she even

think

>of it

>Yo momma's so dumb she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing

away all

>the W&Ws

>Yo momma's so dumb she got hit by a cup and told the police that she

got

>mugged

>Yo momma's so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and wet her pants

>Yo momma's so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved

>Yo momma's so dumb she got locked in a mattress store and slept on the

>floor

>Yo momma's so dumb she got locked out of a convertible car with the

top

>down

>Yo momma's so dumb she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile

home

>Yo momma's so dumb she got on her knees to drink her Nehi peach drink

>Yo momma's so dumb she got shot running the border after seeing a Taco

Bell

>commercial

>Yo momma's so dumb she got stabbed in a shoot out

>Yo momma's so dumb she had surgery on her butt and the doctor removed

her

>brain

>Yo momma's so dumb she has 1 toe and bought a pair of flip flops

>Yo momma's so dumb she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper

>Yo momma's so dumb she has to use her fingers for 1 + 1

>Yo momma's so dumb she invented a wheelchair with pedals

>Yo momma's so dumb she jumped off a building in attempt to fly because

she

>thought her maxi pad had wings

>Yo momma's so dumb she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my

>computer: white out is on the screen

>Yo momma's so dumb she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network

>Yo momma's so dumb she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize

winner

>Yo momma's so dumb she makes a chimp look smart

>Yo momma's so dumb she makes blondes look smart

>Yo momma's so dumb she makes Bush look smart

>Yo momma's so dumb she makes me feel dumber just talking to her

>Yo momma's so dumb she makes the rest of the world seem smarter

>Yo momma's so dumb she makes toast in the freezer

>Yo momma's so dumb she married Yo daddy

>Yo momma's so dumb she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble

>Yo momma's so dumb she needs twice as much sense to be a halfwit

>Yo momma's so dumb she noticed a sign reading Wet Floor so she just

did

>Yo momma's so dumb she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off

a

>curb

>Yo momma's so dumb she ordered a cheese burger from McDonalds and said

Hold

>the cheese

>Yo momma's so dumb she passed by YMCA and said hey look they spelled

MACYs

>wrong

>Yo momma's so dumb she peals M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies

>Yo momma's so dumb she put a peep hole in a glass door

>Yo momma's so d