Rules for driving in Ireland today?

- Indicators will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

- Don't be fooled by the lines on the road. If there is almost enough room for two cars - move over, it's two lanes.

- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

- Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

- Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Ireland look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the Garda with the radar gear parked on the verge.

- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

- Always get annoyed when you are held up because of other motorists rubbernecking when there is an accident, but you must get revenge by doing it yourself when you reach the accident.

- Throwing litter on the roads adds colour to the landscape and gives County Council crews something to clean up.

- Never, never look for street signs. If you do find one, it has probably been turned around.

- All roads shall be repaired once every 20 years, whether they need it or not.

- Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.