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Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Entertainment & MusicPolls & Surveys · 1 decade ago

want to really laugh out loud?? read this?

Have a Laugh, It's good for you!!!!

Actually said in court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS; Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at th at time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

_ _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________ ___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that questio n?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORN EY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive , nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Skeeter >^..^<

Update:

everyone please say big thank you to Alex, this was his idea....

hope you liked it :)

62 Answers

Relevance
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    thanks that's cracked me up.....we should be worried though shouldn't we? the thing is they're incompetent and have bad advice when it comes to wigs. hope the heart stuff takes a breather. you very own perv...xxx

  • ♥HP_Fanatic♥
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    THANKS ALEX! (lol).

    My favs are:

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at th at time?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORN EY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive , nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

    haha these are funny, I always go around and google these. =D

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Very funny, thank you Alex who ever you might be.....My personal favorite:

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS; Yes, voodoo.

    I'm find it hard to believe that such, well rhymed banter could, have been spoken like that without being rehearsed, it wouldn't have come out better if it were planed. I'm also in awe of the idiocy of the attorneys! If I were in the position of some of those witnesses I would not be able to resist a sarcastic comment. "Oh....were they suppose to be dead before I got started on the autopsy?!" :P

  • steven m
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    LOL

    Thanks -- there are worse ones

    There was a trial for either murder or a serious assault

    after 2 days, one member of the jury has to be excused when It was discovered he spoke no English, and has no Idea what was going on

    They decided to continue with one less member

    Soon after a second member of the Jury was discovered to be Deaf, with no More idea of the ongoing events than the first.

    When a Third member of the Jury was discovered to be deaf and have no English , the trial was abandoned, until a new jury could be selected

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I made my own ones:

    1.

    ME: did you think that was funny attorney?

    ATTORNEY: what when I blew wind and missed everything you said.

    2.

    ATTORNEY: so all this actually happen at 12 o'clock at night but does that mean AM or PM.

    ME: you're a dumbass

    3.

    ME: I think weed is definately not illegel.

    ATTORNEY: yes but it depends what kind. Mine is totally legal.

    4.

    ATTORNEY: Do you know why you are here?

    ME: yes, do you know why you are here?

    ATTORNEY: yes, to protect my client at theo ther end even though I myself think he is totally guilty.

    5.

    ME: I was born on the best planet known to mankind?

    ATTORNEY: which planet would that be.

  • Burt
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I know some of those answers are extreme...but I know that the attorney has to be specific when asking questions. Cases has been lost for ASSUMING

    It is very funny, though

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    Yes, it's simple to read without laughing, as it's not that funny.

  • Run for Pride
    1 decade ago

    Awesome. Skeeter reminds me of the book, The Missing Manitee........ Well Good Job!

  • ۞An Amazing Life۞
    1 decade ago

    So was the guy whos brain was in the jar an attorney, too??

    lol! what a lady...she's got jokes!

  • Diana
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Priceless!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    This one had me falling off my chair:

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

  • Show more answers (20)
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