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1)

This is great!

Enjoy this terrific confusion.

Conversation of William Knott and Mr. Watt.

> >> > "Who's calling?"

> >> > "Watt."

> >> > "What is your name, please?"

> >> > "Watt's my name."

> >> > "That's what I asked you. What's your name?"

> >> > "That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

> A long pause, and then from Watt,

> >> > "Is this James Brown?"

> >> > "No, this is Knott."

> >> > "Please tell me your name."

> >> > "Will Knott."

> >> > "Why not?"

> >> > "Huh? What do you mean why not?"

> >> > "Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"

> >> > "But I told you my name!"

> >> > "Didn't you say you will not?"

> >> > "Not not, Knott, Will Knott!"

> >> > "That's what I mean."

> >> > "So you know my name."

> >> > "Of course not!"

> >> > "Good. So now, what is yours?"

> >> > "Watt. Yours?"

> >> > "Your name!"

> >> > "Watt's my name."

> >> > "How the hell do I know? I am asking you!"

> >> > "Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet."

> >> > "You have been patient, what about me? I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet."

> >> > "Of course not!"

> >> > "See, you even know my name!"

> >> > "Of course not!"

> >> > "Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?"

> >> > "Because I don't."

>Pause,

> >> > "What is your name?"

> >> > "See, you know my name!"

> >> > "Of course not!"

> >> > "Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?"

> >> > "To find out your name!"

> >> > "But you already know it!"

> >> > "What?"

> >> > "See...

> >> > "...And you know mine!"

> >> > "Of course not!"

> >> > "Exactly!"

>NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR NAME, BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.

> >> > "Listen, listen, if I asked you what your name is, what will be your answer?"

> >> > "Watt's my name."

> >> > "No, no, give me only one word."

> >> > "Watt"

> >> > "Your name!"

> >> > "Right!"

>Pause before it hits him,

> >> > "Oh, Wright!"

> >> > "Yeah!"

> >> > "So why didn't you say it before?"

> >> > "I told you so many times!"

> >> > "You never said Wright before..."

> >> > "Of course I did."

> >> > "Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?"

> >> > "I do not."

> >> > "Well, there you go, now we know each other's name."

> >> > "I do not!"

> >> > "Good!"

>Pause before it hits him,

> >> > "Oh, Guud!"

> >> > "Good."

> >> > "No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?"

> >> > "No, it's Knott!"

> >> > "Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now, Guud."

> >> > "Yes, Wright."

>NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL.

2)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" said Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke. "Watson, you fool. Somebody has stolen our tent."

3)

Q: What will you do if a sardar throws a hand grenade on you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What will you do if a sardar throws a pin on you?

A: Run away! ...sardar has an active hand grenade in his mouth.

4)

# Local variable -

Mein pal do pal ka shayar hoon, pal do pal meri kahani hai pal do pal meri hasti hai.

# Global variable -

Main har ik pal ka shayar hoon, har ik pal meri kahani hai har ik pal meri hasti hai.

# Null pointers -

Mera jeevan kora kagaz kora hi reh gaya.

# Dangling pointers -

Maut bhi aati nahi jaan bhi jati nahin.

# goto -

Ajeeb dastan hai yeh Kahan shuru kahan, khatam Ye manzilen hain kaun si,

Na woh samajh sake na hum.

# Two Recursive functions calling each other

Mujhe kuchh kehna hein, mujhe bhi kuchh kehna hein, pehle tum, pehle tum.

# The debugger -

Jab koi baat bigad jaye, Jab koi mushkil pad jaye, Tum dena saath mera hamnawaz.

# COM programming in VC

Roop tera mastana, Pyar mera deewana, Bhool kahin hum se na ho jaye.

# From VC to VB -

Yeh haseen vaadiyan, Yeh khula asmaan, Aa gaye hum kahan.

# Untraceable bug -

Aye ajnabi, tu bhi kabhi, awaaz de kahin se.

# Unexpected bug (esp. during presentation to client):

Ye kya hua, Kaise hua, Kab hua, Kyon hua.

# And then to the client:

Jab hua, Tab hua, O chhodo, ye na socho.

# Load Balancing -

Saathi haath badhana, ek akela thak jayega, mil kar bojh uthana.

# Modem - modem talk on a busy connection

suno - kaho, kaha - suna, kuch huwa kya? abhee to nahin.

# Windows getting open sourced

Parde mein rahne do, parda na uthao, parda jo uth gaya to bhed khul jayeha,

allah meri tauba, allah meri tauba.

5)

This is a conversation taking place between two people who have committed the biggest mistake of their life. Well, I mean to say- "THEY ARE MARRIED".

A software Engineer writes...

Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the UN-install does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Un-installation will abort." Can you help me, please!!!

A reply...

Dear Software Engineer,

Ref: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an

OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself; I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). Best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest u to use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5 which will improve the performance of Wife1.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual Secretary With

Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Recent Survey says that Add-On software's like Visual Sari 2.0, Diamond Necklace3.0, Holidays 1.0 are the best Third Party tools that supports Wife 1.0 program to run smoothly and effectively.

Please let me know what you feel about

Three guys were out in the woods bear hunting. One of the guys says "I am going to sit by this tree".

Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys say to him, "Whatever happens, don't say a single word".

So the man sitting by the tree agrees with the other two so they start walking some where else to sit. Then just as they were about to sit down, they here the other guy scream. They run back to the man that they left behind. When they get there the man is still sitting by the tree.

Confused, the two men said, "Why did you scream? We told you not to say anything no matter what happened."

The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, "When that snake crawled over my legs, I didn't scream. When that bear growled right in my face, I didn't scream. But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled up my pantlegs and said to each other, "Do we eat here or take them to go?"

10 Peeves dogs have about humans

Views(35) Created(3-3-08) Category ( Lists )

'1'

Blaming your farts on

me.....

not funny... not funny at all !!!

'2'

Yelling

at me for barking.

I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

'3'

Taking

me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

'4'

Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

'5'

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

'6'

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.

You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

'7'

Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",

then acting surprised when I freak

out every time we go back!

'8'

Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.

Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

'9'

Dog Sweaters. Hello ???

Haven't you noticed the fur?

'10'

How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here!

You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

----------------------------------------------------

TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America

9. Get a ********.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

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TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first

.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative.He seems to be doing ok now..... I guess." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy?? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not?? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!....."

2 grandmas were sitting in their rocking chairs on the porch,reminicing about the good ole days.

One grandma says to the other grandma..dear do you remeber the minuet (dance btw)...she says darn...i cant even remember the min i screwed never mind the min i et!

a flasher was going up to old ladies in a nursing home flashing...they all had big strokes.....well he went up to one last lady....poor old lady.....she couldnt reach it!

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes

Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Old Morris?

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady.he says to her boy u have a big a$$...she goes...why you.....and starts smacking him around.he goes in the mens room...fixes him self up....combs/fixes his hair.....straightens out his glasses...puts his teeth back in etc. He goes back and sits beside the same lady.He says to her....boy u got small boobs.....she says do i really...hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger.She says how. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off....take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs...she says omg...do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it...it worked on your big a$$ didnt it.....

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

Teased Old Lady

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a b***h!

This guy walks into his psychologist's office wearing only a pair of shorts made out of saran wrap. The psychologist takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see your/you're nuts."