What is the funniest joke you've heard?

this is my funniest joke i have ever herd!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boyeverything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?"

I have a few favs:

1)A bear and a rabbit were walking in the forest and they both stop to poo. As their pooing the bear say's to the rabbit "do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?"

and the rabbit Say's "no"

so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with him.

2)a duck walks into a bar and say's to the barman "do you have any bread?" and the barman say's "no"

Duck: oh......... do you have any bread?

barman: no

duck: oh............do you have any bread?

barman: no!

this goes on for ages until the barman finally say's "if you ask me that one more time I will nail your bill to this bench!!!"

so the duck say's "do you have any nails?"

barman: no!

duck: oh...... do you have any bread?

3) there are two cows in a field. One is saying "moo, moo" and the other is saying "baa, baa"

"Why are you saying baa, baa?" asks the first cow

"oh, I learnt a different language!"

Not really a joke but the shirts that say "I'm with Stupid"

I love them! ;))

oks so!!!!!!!!! there was a mama tomatoe, a papa tomatoe and a child tomatoe!!!!! so this family was running (they missed the tomatoe meeting) and the child couldn't run as fast as his parents!!!!!! so what did the papa said 2 him????? answser is come on baby tomatoe : CATCH UP!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahah get it!!!!! i love this joke!!!!!

yo mama so hairy she need gillette cause its the best a man can get.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

*friends burst out laughing*

The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative.He seems to be doing ok now..... I guess." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy?? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not?? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!....."

An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady.he says to her boy u have a big butt...she goes...why you.....and starts smacking him around.he goes in the mens room...fixes him self up....combs/fixes his hair.....straightens out his glasses...puts his teeth back in etc. He goes back and sits beside the same lady.He says to her....boy u got small boobs.....she says do i really...hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger.She says how. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off....take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs...she says omg...do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it...it worked on your big butt didnt it...

A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents. They sit down and

have a conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,

but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two esses acoma together. I

come once-a-more. Two esses, they comma together again. I

come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady

.” In this country . . . we don't speak dirty in

public places about our sex lives. . . "

"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you?," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta

sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

so theres this doctor that did circumcisions.After many years he decides its time to retire.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets. He says to his friend"wallets!? Is that all i get after all these years!?" His friend says"Relax my friend.You see its not just ordinary wallets. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set.

learn to speak chinese:

1) That's not right ....................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ........................... Dum ***

5) Small Horse ......................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ............ Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ........ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ........... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ........... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone ................ No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight ................ Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile .......... Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great .................................. Fa Kin Su Pah

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.

One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.

The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".

So, they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?

1. Men are like .......Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like ......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they

are.

3. Men are like .......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .....Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure

why.

5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head

right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds ... . They take soooooooo long to

mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of

emotion.

10. Men are like ......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little

while.

11. Men are like .......Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

12. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest

are handicapped.