Read and review my twilight fanfic.. first chapter?

ok so:

i think you did a decent job. Alice isn't that crazy and she wouldnt take Jasper shopping. The whole chicken thing wasn't explained very well...and you left out alot of details. All in all, though it was very funny! Good job, but i do suggest letting someone edit it....

I strongly suggest that you find someone willing to beta-read your story. A good beta is worth their weight in gold and it might help your story sound less choppy. If you go this route, then you should probably make the chapters longer so that your beta has more to work with and the whole thing reads less disjointedly. As a reader, I tend to get impatient when the chapters are too short, because the story isn't unfolding quickly enough, especially if the author's updates are sporadic.

That is good with one minor problem, Jasper can alter feeling around him, he would have had Alice calm down, personally i think that Alice and Jasper need to be mentioned more in twilight so i think that you did a good job!

Well..

It was your best effort, and I don't blame you for trying, but maybe you should let someone edit it. It was very hilarious, no doubt, but a little too funny, maybe you should have more seriousness and abt. Edward&Bella.

But it was very nice.

Hilariously Funny/etc.

wow, its good.

its really funny

poor jasper!

just kidding

and pretty close to how alice and jasper are in twilight

i like it, its a the funny version of twilight!

lol very funny

that's cute