What do you think about this story excerpt?

to answer some questions, this isn't a vampire story. It's about a girl who finds herself in another world on her 16th birthday, then finding out that her long supposedly dead parents are in fact alive and well and are ruling that entire world as King and Queen. Ergo, this makes her princess. (It sounds a little corny, but give it a chance) She also finds out that everything and everyone in this place is magical, and that she herself bears great power. The real reason why she was summoned unto that world was for her to eradicate the evil one, the Trameath Lord. This is definitely a love story though, with LOTS of love interests for Ashley, because as a princess, you're bound to marry a noble some day, but she doesn't get a fiance, she has 3 eligible and impossibly amazing bachelors who she has to pick from for that engagement. Note that I had only read Twilight AFTER I wrote this and I have never read the hp books (just in case you're wondering if I based any of this on those)

oh, and Ashley's the girl's name.