How to deal with gift anxiety?

You know, if someone gives you a gift, it doesn't mean they are expecting something in return.

It sounds like you feel that every time you receive a gift, you are 'obliged' some how to make more of a commitment or offer more of 'yourself' in return.

Commitment is a scary thing! Especially for a person who was rejected or felt unloved as a child. But receiving presents is not a 'contract' and that is the important thing to remember. she is not trying to pressure you in to something your not ready for or someone you are not.

A prsent is a gift and that's all, and all that is required of you in return is a 'thank you' :-)

This could be a lot of different things, you know.

It could be that you really are insecure and "feel" unworthy, even if that doesn't make much sense in your head.

Or it could just plain be that you never learned how to be comfortable saying thank you. We all feel awkward with the surprise of a gift and then the gratitude that goes with it. It's not that we don't like gifts and compliments and tokens of affection, it's just that those things put us in a position where we have to start speaking an "emotional language".

Oh wow, I'm honored. You really shouldn't have. What have I done to deserve this? You're too kind.

C'mon. Who likes having to talk like that? Soap stars? The Queen of England?

If I were you I'd just ditch the talking part, give her a hug and a kiss on the forehead and then make darn sure you make use of whatever that gift was at least twice! If it's a hat, wear it a couple of times. If it's a new CD, leave it lying around where it at least appears to get some regular use.

If it really is feelings of insecurity, that probably stems from you having an inaccurate picture of yourself. Somewhere, deep inside, you're uncomfortable with the emotional exchange that goes along with gift giving. It means someone else thinks you're worth it, but you're not convinced you really are.

Have a good look at yourself. Sometimes we end up as insecure adults because something scared or hurt us long ago and we weren't emotionally mature enough at the time to fully process it. If you were ever weak, mean, dumb, unlovable, etc., etc., in the past, there were probably some really good reasons for that! Sometimes other people have treated us unfairly, and in order to protect ourselves from any more pain we just kind of retreat emotionally. Usually that's because it's all we knew how to do at the time. Who can blame us?

But this is now, not then. You can be you however you are and be perfectly fine with that. The self-esteem thing suggests to me that there are some parts of you you're not fine with just yet. Look at yourself objectively. You don't have to be perfect, or even very good. All you really have to do is the best you can for now, and just trust that you'll keep making progress as life progresses.

If you're just uncomfortable with the reaction you're "supposed" to give a person who gives you a token of their affection, instead of freaking out or shying away, just be yourself. You don't have to say or do anything that doesn't come naturally. In fact that would be rather blechy. If she gives you a gift, just be your chipper self and say "Hey thanks!" Make a little joke about it. You can show your appreciation in other ways besides using sentimental, sappy language.

You'll probably struggle to get comfortable with one another for a long time yet to come. I call that the five year hump. If you get over that you're all set. Well, mostly.

It's ok to be a really lovable person you know. I think it's hard to take when you're a guy, but frankly, it's a good thing. It means you're doing something right! Anyway, if you coast through this without too much conflict it should tone down soon enough. We don't stay head-over-heels affectionate for very long. We tend to settle into more of a comfortable-zoned-out, watching-my-wrestling, ok-see-ya, getting-my-hair-done kind of a relationship in pretty short order. Oh and it usually gets a lot worse before it gets better :*D

I have chronic anxiety. There is a difference between anxiety disorders and just stress and normal anxiety. Mine is everyday and it manifests itself in tremors, palpitations, eczema flaring up, butterflies (which I have everyday but get worse in difficult periods), sweating, dry mouth as well as the psychological thoughts. I don't take medication (you can become addicted). The best way is to go off, think things through and try to relax and think clearly. Eating certain foods can make it worse. There's no miracle cure. If they expect things from you you are not capable of that's their problem, they have to except the way you are, just be open about it, it takes time as many people simply don't understand mental problems, but again that's their problem not yours. Hope this is helpful.

http://www.personalgrowthplanet.com/selfesteem/Sym...

I would suggest and sorry if it isn't any help going and talking to someone who is able to be non judgemental whether a counsellor or someone else. If you have self esteem issues there may be something else that is underneath that.

It does sound like you are trying to do the right thing and look over things. It is a hard one to build up self esteem or self worth and it can cause issues in many parts of a persons life. Best of luck with it all

Josh, it's great that you've posted this question as it shows you are willing to work on this problem. However I think your relationship with this amazing woman is in trouble, as from what you posted, both of you are having trouble communicating. She is getting hurt and sarcastic, and falling into "an automatic response", while you are "feeling increasingly like hiding my feelings and just responding with canned pleasantries".

It would be a great pity if you both gave up on full and open communication. Do you think she would be willing to go to couples or relationship counselling with you?

(She probably would, since she obviously cares a great deal about you.)

Why don't you feel worthy of a present? This is a self esteem issue and has nothing to do with her.