Can anyone make me laugh?

How much wood can a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? As much wood as the wood chuck can chuck but the wood chuck would chuck wood before Chuck Norris gives it a roundhouse kick!

~~~

How do you kill a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a yellow elephant?

Shoot it with a yellow elephant gun.

How do you kill a red elephant?

Hold its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

~~~

A little blonde has lost her lunch money. She goes up to a group of boys and asks if she can have $5. Seeing that the little blonde is wearing a skirt, the boys agree if she climbs up the flagpole. So the little blonde climbs up a flagpole and slides back down. The boys then give her $5 and she buys her lunch.

When she gets home, her mom asks,"Honey, how did you get money for lunch, when you left it on the bed?"

The little blonde replied, "Oh mommy, I climbed up a flagpole and the group of boys gave me $5."

"What?" her mom exclaims. "Honey, they want to see your panty! Don't climb up the flagpole again."

The little blonde agrees that she would not do it again.

So the next day, she wears a pink dress. The same group of boys say that they will give her $10 to climb up the flag pole. She agrees instantly, climbs up the flagpole, slides down, and claims her $10.

When she gets home, she tells her mom, "Mommy! I got $10 for climbing up the flagpole!"

Her mom says, "Honey! I told you not to climb the flagpole! They want to see your panty!"

Then the little blonde replies, "I know mommy! I tricked them! I didn't wear any!"

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.

The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

As a pre-med student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Chuck Norris pities Mr.T

Chuck Norris tears can cure Cancer......too bad he never cries

Chuck Norris destroyed the periotic table of elements, because the only element he recognises is the element of surprise!

I am sorry I only know Californian jokes about, say, its not chucky its the other guy?

The governator?

Yea, um, Chucky for prez, Paris, anyone really but say, how does the guy get away with choosing a loser of a minister saying gosh darn america, is he seriously christian or just a fake? Ooops this was meant to be the political section sorry if the joke section just became offensive, um where is the cancel button, heck preview is that it?

dunno hun its a blond bad hair day for me? Gonna find out?

Nup? What about? Nope! not that either how do I get outta here?

HELP i AM BLOND AND i AM TRAPPED IN THE BLOND SECTION OF YAHOO JOKES WITHOUT A CANCEL BUTTON???

Gosh send? Well dont blame me I tried I am very trying hard to be pleasant here sorry!

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while

she was sleeping.

'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who

was her friend

sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her

in the rear.

'God Almighty!'

shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching

her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who

is our Lord and

Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again,

Johnny came to

her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the

Nun once again

said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back

asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve

say to Adam

after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If

you stick that

damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in

half!'

The nun fainted.

joke for breaking dawn:

"Hey, do you know what they call a blonde with a brain" Jacob asked and then continued on the same breath "a golden retriever"

"how do you drown a blonde?"

"Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool"

one i made up:

what do you call a vampire who drinks animal, not human, blood?

a vegetarian

Bush Slogans for 2004

Vote Bush in '04: "I Has Incumbentory Advantitude"

Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!

Bush/Cheney '04: Don't Change Whores in Midstream.

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!

Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile.

Bush/Cheney '04: It's still Clintons Fault

Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time.

Bush/Cheney '04: Less CIA -- More CYA.

Vote for Bush & You Get Dick!

Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!

With a Bush, a Dick and a Colin, everyone gets screwed

Bush/Cheney '04: Iran and Syria are still out there.

Bush/Cheney '04: Building a Bridge to the Great Depression

Redneck Defined

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You and your dog use the same tree.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending upon how much gas

it has in it.

after been with a woman been with bi@&% N!&*@'s after b@^@% N!&*@'s she say "why i just be with a b!*t#! N!$$@! "

Katt WIlliams on Weed

Don’t give me that **** that weed’s a drug. It ain’t no motherfuckin’ drug. I’ve done the research. It’s just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire…

YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT HAPPY SLIP!

"DONT HATE MY French Fries! dont hate"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVSshzbAj_Y

lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghs0nNF1YZ4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuBm0dvIzcc&feature...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kpLYglufJI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lM5G1i6LSqs&feature...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5S7vKZyFdCs&feature...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ga0ce-5meJg&feature...

A man is jumping in and out of the door and says that he is practising for an exam. Guess the exam

It's an entrance exam

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummi bear!

My state fari video gets funny about a thrid of the way in so bear with it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ak9cjYHGdwc comments welcome

your momma is so stupid while she was watching tv she put a paper in front of her and said im watching pay per view