I need a comedic female monologue about three minutes in length.?

This one isn't really funny but its cute and when i did it i did exceptionally well.

(a doll sits in the middle of a table, with her head down)Sure, everyone thinks being a doll is fun. (looks at the audience) All of the other toys say, "why wouldn't you want to be a rag doll? Little girls adore you. You would be their favorite toy." Right and what would the other toys at the store say now about my perfect life? All I do all day is sit up on this shelf, collecting dust.

It has been a long time since I have been to a tea party. (looks around the room) It has been such a long time since I have even left this spot. I used to be Sally's favorite toy. I remember the first day I arrived home from Eaton's department store. My box was wrapped in pretty gold paper, with a big green bow on the front. "Oh Mommy, oh Daddy, I love it. I going to play with her for ever and ever and ever and I am going to love her for ever and ever and ever."

Where are you now Sally? Are you off with your collection of Barbies or are you watching television? She doesn't even realize how hard it is for me to watch her play with her other toys. I just sit here, hour after hour, day after day, watching. I'm not alone though. Numerous Care Bears have been stuffed in the closet, her Cabbage Patch Kids collection is over in that corner (points to right corner), and we can't forget the Disney Store in the left corner (looks to the other corner). At least I got a shelf.

Please, don't get me wrong, when I first arrived in this nursery, everything was wonderful. That month was the happiest month of my life. Sally would play with me every day. We would have tea parties, we would read books together. (sigh) We did everything together. Sally would take me everywhere. I once got to go to show and tell with her. (pause) I was always there for her. She could tell me anything, and I wouldn't tell the other toys. But, on that cold November day, her Daddy brought home her first Barbie, and our life together was over.

I never even got a name. All of her other dolls have names. I am just referred to as "her" or "dolly". Why didn't she give me a name? Naming a doll is not the hardest thing to do in the world. It only takes a few seconds of thought.

Sally will occasionally stop and talk to me. Just last week she picked me up and brushed my hair. (pause) But I soon returned to my spot. Is this my destiny? I want to have fun again. I want to play again with a person. I want someone to love me. I don't want to spend my life on a shelf, collecting dust. It doesn't look like I have a choice, does it?

This one is funnier

Clara Bennett walks onstage, looking nervously back at an imaginary person who's name is Peggy. She is the class "dork." No one likes to hang out with her.)

(Addressed to the audience) She's following me, I know it. Everywhere. She follows me to math and to english and she watches me change in P.E. and I swear, if she follows me now, right when I'm walking into my class with the most popular people in it, I think I'm gonna have to kill her. Oh, look it's Ashley! (Waves to an imaginary person, smiling.) Oh god, she is following me. What do I do? I see Mark and Isaac and all of those other guys sitting right by my desk, and what if they see me with Peggy on my tail, trying to talk to me!? I will be so mortified.

(Stops walking and stands center stage.)

Don't think I'm mean or anything, it's just annoying having the class DORK think that they're your friend. I guess she's nice, she's just a little.. uh.. slow, and I think that maybe she should find her own group of friends (under her breath) Not that anyone would want her...(perks up) Well, I guess I have to sit down. (Walks to a chair and sits down, gets out her work, but just as she is starting to work, an imaginary Peggy walks up)

Oh........ it's you again.(Pause). Yeah, whatever. I'm trying to work Peggy, can't you see? (Pause)No, no I don't want you to help me.(Pause). Please Peggy, just go away!(Pause, said angrier)God! You are so annoying. Leave me alone!(Pause)Oh, god, don't start crying.(Pause No, wait Peggy don't--... No! Don't tell Mrs. Robins, I didn't mean it.(Pause)(The imaginary Peggy walks away, Clara looks back at the audience)I blew it. Now Mrs. Robins is gonna come over here and ask me what's going on. I know she's gonna ask me why I'm picking on the slow girl. I'm not! I just don't want her buggin' me. Is that a crime?

(An imaginary Mrs. Robins walks up)

Look Mrs. Robins, I'm sorry about Peggy! I mean she's just annoying sometimes and I was trying to do my work and--(pause) What? You weren't coming over here to ask about Peggy? Oh! Well what did you want to ask me? (pause) An "A" on my test! That's great! (smiles) (The imaginary Mrs. Robins leaves)

Well I guess that I just got an easy break. Oh god, here comes Peggy....(groans, and puts her head down on the desk.)

You sure? 7-8 min sounds like a stand up routine or a one woman show, not a monoloogue. Usually they are 1-3 min. You might find an old Erma Bombeck column and use it.

i suggest going to youtube and checking out some female comedians. a few you might want to consideer..... whoopi goldberg, lily tomlin, paula poundstone, ellen degeneres, rosie o'donnell, roseanne barr/arnold.

look at kathy griffins work.. shes hilarious