Joke Contest(10 points)?

Little Jimmy was playing outside for awhile with his friends. When all of sudden he came inside and ask his grandma, "Grandma, what is that called when two people sleep with each other but one on top and the other is on the bottom."

Surprised that little Jimmy ask her that, she didn't want to lie and so she told him the truth, "Well Jimmy, that is called sexual intercourse"

"Oh, ok thank you grandma" said Jimmy and he went back outside.

However 2 minutes later Jimmy comes back to grandma really upset and said, "Grandma is not called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Tommy's mom wants to talk to you"

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand, "said the visitor. "A normal person would use a bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The bully says: ''Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.''

''No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...

There are three guys walking down the road, an American guy, a Polish guy, and a Chinese guy. They stop at a house and ask the guy who lives there "hey, can we stay at your house?" The guy agreed, but only after making them promise not to go into his daughter's room. To make sure they wouldn't, he put popcorn on the sairs so the noise would wake him up if anyone tried to go up the stairs. The American guy couldn't sleep, so he went out of the room to go upstairs. He peed on the popcorn so it wouldn't wake up the man and went to the daughter's room. L8r, he came back downstairs and said to the Polish guy "Dude, you gotta try this!" So the Polish guys goes out, pees on the popcorn, and goes up to the daughter's room. He comes back downstairs and said to the Chinese guy "Dude, yo gotta try this!" So the Chinese guy leaves the room. When he comes back, the other 2 guys ask "So how was it?" The Chinese guy answers, "That was the best buttered popcorn I've ever had!!!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

so, this guy walks into a carnivore camp. they capture him and tell him that he must complete 3 tasks in order to be set free and not eaten.

-the first task was to walk in to the forest. so he walks in

-the second task was to collect 10 peices of any kind of friut he could find. he comes back with 10 apples.

-the third task was to put each peice of fruit up his butt with out making any facial expressions. he gets to about 3 and winces, so he is eaten and killed.

a second man came and was captured so he goes into the forest and collects 10 small berries, he gets to nine and he starts laughing really hard. so hes eaten and killed.

the first guy and second guy meet eachother in heaven and the first guy asks the second guy, "Why did you laugh you almost had it, you could have lived" and he responds by saying, "I saw another guy coming with pineapples!"

BAhahahahaha

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day,

while his wife stayed at home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours

while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for one day Amen!'

God, in his infin ite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

By then, it was already 1P.M.

so he hurried to make the beds,

Do the laundry, vacuum and dust,

sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Run to the school to pick up the kids and

get into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies,

and get the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, he set up the ironing board and watched the TV

while he did the ironing.

At 4:30

he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,

breaded the pork chops and Snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Fo lded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 9 P.M ..

He was exhausted and,though his daily chores weren't finished,

he went to bed where he was expected to make love,

which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed, and said: -

'Dear Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, Oh! P lease, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson,

and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were,

but you'll just have to wait for 9 months.

You went and got yourself pregnant last night.'

Scottish, italian and chinese joke

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and tells the Italian guy that he is in charge of sweeping. He tells the Scottish man that he is in charge of the shoveling, and the Chinese guy is in charge of supplies. The foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns the pile of sand is still there untouched."

"He asks the Italian guy. "Why haven't you swept any of the sand?'

The Italian guy says, "I no hava a broom. You said the Chinese fella wasa ina charge-a of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him no where."

The foreman then turns to the Scottish man and says, "you were supposed to shovel this pile of sand."

The Scottish man says, "Aye, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in charge of supplies, boot ah could nay find him either."

The foreman is really angry and storms off toward the pile of sand. He is looking for the Chinese guy."

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

So there's this blonde named Stacey talking to her friend, Becky.

Stacey: Omg my boyfriend broke up with me for this one chick and he didnt tell me who

Becky: Uhh Stacey that was me... Im sorry

Stacey: Oh thats fine, yea he had serious dandruff anyway!

Becky: Yea i gave him some head and sholders

Stacey: wait, I know how to give head, but how do i give sholders?

LOL!

Did you hear about the midget physic who escaped from jail?

Yep - There is a small medium at large

Gregory finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke," he said.

"Well, then, is it sex?" she inquired.

"Nobody does it like you, babe!" he replied.

"Then what can she do that I can't?" the woman tearfully asked.

"Sue me for child support!!"