How do I deal with my anger?

Question

My wife and I were asked by her Grandmother about 15 years ago to move in with her and help her take care of the big house that she and her late husband owned. When we got here, the house was a dilapidated mess. Full of trash and collections of bags, paper, cardboard boxes etc etc etc. We worked hard to clean it up and get some remodeling done to the house. It is a continuous battle to keep her grandmother from collecting more and more trash. I have to rip every bag to render it unusable. Soda bottles too. She lies to cover up her taking of trash out of the can to "reuse". I caught her today pulling a couple soda cups from a local fast food place that my wife and had been 3-4 days ago. She was using them as a vase for some flowers she had cut from the yard. I pulled the flowers out and placed them on the counter telling her "you have dozens of REAL vases, stop digging in the trash!" She said she didn't dig them out but I very well remember tossing those away a few days ago. (they were from Arby's, she doesn't eat at Arby's). She lied and said they were from when she and a friend went to Arbys. I called her on it and called her an out and out liar. A yelling match insued and my wife (her grand daughter) would not back me up. I was infuriated! I made my wife so angry that she hit me repeatedly with a coathanger (still marks). I'm going out of my mind living with this woman but we financially have no other choice but to stay here. So I need to make the best of a very bad situation. I need to know what to do about the anger that builds up in me almost instantly when she lies and digs in the trash. (p.s. I know it sounds gross but I've had to resort to pissing on the trash outside to make it smell so she won't dig it hasn't had ANY effect )

Update:

Dear "No Real Help" The question was about MY anger. And no, we don't have a choice. Do you live in SoCalif? Do you know what housing costs here?

No Real Help · Accepted Answer

Really, you have no other choices? Are they holding a gun to your head?

It's grandma's house, let her trash it. I'm just trying to get over the idea that you have "no other choice". Neither of you have jobs? The three of you can't sit down and discuss anything? You can't video tape grandma doing these things and throw her lies in her face?

If you have no other choice, what help could anyone here possible do to help you?

>>--->  EDIT

I've found anger is more often than not based in self-importance, in that, you feel what you think or do is more important than something (anything) else. You can accept your "no choice" living conditions, or you can (let me find another word for "choose") compel yourself to find a job and housing elsewhere. Why is it mandatory that you remain in the situation? Court order? 

I have explored living on S. Cali. and found it costly (even  though the job I was offered would have compensated for it nicely), but I made a CHOICE not to live there for other reasons. 

You made a choice (consciously or unconsciously) to live in and under the conditions you are currently in...for whatever reasons, but it was still your choice. You still have choices, many of which are less appealing than living for free(?) with grandma and her unappealing habits,but you do have other choices.

Anonymous · Answer

take up a small hobby, have more sex, and dont think about her best you can.  this will help you cope but the ultimate solution is abandoning granny.  She will lie and lie some more.  She will NEVER take any responsibility, so dont feel obligated yourself to be responsible for whatever is causing the problem. Actually avoid confrontation because you have no allies and she will slip out of your fingers every time. Maybe consider playing her game.

Sara · Answer

I know exactly what you means, she is a HOARDER and it is a psychological problem. My mom used to work for this old lady who once hit my mom for throwing some trash outside. She reported her and when we went to visit her again her whole living room was covered by trash, collection of useless things, and tons of newspaper and cans. This is a real serious problem and it cannot be solved with violence...she won't understand like that and it will only cause more touble. You need to talk with ur wife and suggest therapy for your mother inlaw. GOOGLE HOARDER AND LOOK AT THE PICS..IT ONLY GETS WORSE

cardgirl2 · Answer

You are in a difficult situation..as you cannot afford to buy a home right at this time...Grandma has a hoarding problem..actually it is a real sickness like alcoholism; drug addiction etc..It would be nice if you could get her to a therapist to help her control it, but it looks like she is way past that..

To control your anger, if a start of a fight ensues; just take a walk and cool off instead of fighting with your wife.  I would suggest breathing exercises; and also a hobby..something to take your mind off your problems.  Also, get involved with helping people that are disadvantaged..If you help someone else, your problems won't seem that insurmountable..Work with your church; maybe they can be of help with Grandma...You are in a difficult situation, but you can make it better..I wish you well.

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How do I deal with my anger?

4 Answers