Tell me some jokes? Thanks!?

The doc told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered and alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he reailized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Advice

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

what do u do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

take out the pin and throw it back

There were two friends, one is called "Stupid" and the other is called "Nobody".Oneday "Stupid" told "Nobody" to wash his car, then "Stupid" left. When he returned he didnt see his car so he called the police and told them: "Nobody stole my car." So the police told him "Are you stupid?" And he said "How did you know me?"