Could anyone out there cheer me up with your jokes?

The Perfect Man and the Perfect Woman

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling****.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

blonde joke:

A blonde wanted a job, so she decided to go into painting and handywork. Someone called her the next day, telling her they had a job oppurtunity. She went to the house, and he said he wanted her to paint his porch and how much it would cost. When she told him, he was shocked and gave her the paint. The man went inside, told his wife, and she was amazed. "Does she know it goes all the way around the house?" she asked

"She must've.. she was standing right on it." he replied

The blonde came to the door a few hours later saying she was done, and the man was amazed at how fast she took. He gave her the money. As she was leaving, she turned and said "By the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling:

''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with:

''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid:

''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

I was walking past a mental hospital yesterday, and heard a bunch of screams "13...13...13!" I noticed there was a hole in the fence, and decided to see what all of the commotion was. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick. "14...14...14!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

wanna hear a dirty joke? a man fell in a puddle

wanna hear a clean joke? the man took a bath with Bubbles

wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the man next door

what type of bees make milk?

BOOBIES!!!

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down until he gets the information he needs.

superman is flying over a nude beach.

on the beach he spies wonder woman butt naked.

so he thinks "i wonder if i could use my super powers to go down there, f*ck her, and leave before anyone notices... hmmm i think i'll do it!:"

so he flies down there, does it and leaves and says "wow that was great!"

on the beach invisible man gets off of wonderwoman and says "what the hell was that?!"

hahahahahaha

Q: What did one leg say to the other?

A: Look, Shorty's growing a beard!