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Is this a good beginning of a story?
I want to know if i should continue this, or if i should drop it and try something else. I know i have really bad grammar and its kinda crammed and i need more details but i need some advice on weather to continue it or not. Thanks oh and i welcome critical answers
“Masapekqua come down here and wait for your father!” called my mom from downstairs.
“Do I have to?” I groaned. “I’m really busy with homework. I’ll say hi later!” I tried to reason with her, just like every other night. Would it really work? No probably not.
“No young lady! You come down here right now and sit down at this table or you will be grounded for a month!” She yelled. This is why I am moving away next Tuesday, I thought to myself as I stomped down the stairs.
“Mom there is plenty of time to say hi, once I’m done with my homework!” I protested once again.
“I don’t care your dad will be home at 6 and he will be very tired after a day at work. He needs moral support” She said. Oh well. I only have to live here another week. Next Tuesday I will get to move away to boarding school! I can’t wait to start middle school.
“What is all that?” She asked, staring at the pile of books I had in my hands.
“Can’t I at least work on my homework while I wait?” I groaned
“No!” she said. You can help me get dinner ready for your father while you wait.
“UGG! If I get bad grades it’s because of you.” I screamed while I stomped back up the stairs, slamming my books down on my desk.
“Oh no!” my mom called from downstairs.
“What?” I asked.
“I forgot to get bread at the store, honey could you hurry over to the store while I make dinner?”She asked in her nicest voice.
“Mom!” I groaned. “I’m busy”
“Please sweetheart it will only take 5 minutes!”
“Fine.” I groaned “You owe me.” Then, trying to make a dramatic exit, I grabbed 10$ and stomped over to the door, and gave a big sigh. Then I opened the door making it creak as much as possible, and slammed it as loud as I could. Then I started to walk across the street to” Grocery Mart” where my mom’s best friend Carl works. I started to cross the street when I heard a loud honk. I looked up just in time to see a big truck coming at me full speed. I ran to the other side of the street just as the truck zoomed past me. “You could kill someone driving like that!” I yelled after him. Gosh, stupid drivers, I thought to myself as I walked to the two front doors of the store. When I pushed on the door as hard as I could (to get my anger out) it didn’t budge. “Come on you stupid door!” I yelled at it. No use, the doors were locked. I looked at my watch. It was only 5:30! The rusty old sign said it closed at 7. Maybe something is jamming the door. This store was pretty old. So I stomped around to the back entrance and tried the door. It opened! “Carl?” I shouted. Carl was the manager of the store and my mom’s best friend. “Carl, are you there?” I asked again. No one answered. “Carl, I am not joking! I have other things to do besides buy a loaf of bread! Where are you, I’m not going to play hide and seek!” I walked to the checkout line, where Carl usually sits when there are no customers. No one was there either. I started for the door. If no one was here I might as well go home. Clink, Clink. Something dropped off a shelve. Creepy. Maybe Carl fainted or something. I walked down to the aisle where I thought the clinking noise had come from, and peeked my head over the wall. There lay a wooden gargoyle holding a loaf of bread. The gargoyle was chipped in some places and looked eerily gray. He was hunched as if he was trying to make himself look small and it was smiling. I picked it up. The loaf of bread had a price tag of 1.50. The statue had a price tag of 8.50. I had enough, I put my 10$ bill in Carl’s office, shouted that I was going to come back and make sure that Carl was alright, and headed for the door.
“Mom I’m home.” I called as I slammed the door.
“Good, you’re just in time” she said as she took the bread from me. “What’s that?” she said staring at my grocery bag. “School stuff.” I lied, walking up the stairs to my room.
“Honey, did you say hi to Carl?” she asked
“No, mom, I’m busy remember? I just got the bread and got out of that creepy place.” I said trying to sound angry.
“Honey, I’m home!” My dad called from the front door.
Ugg, I thought as I stomped up to my room.
My mom said something else but I couldn’t figure out what. I slammed my door shut and got the gargoyle out of the bag.” What’s your name mister?” I asked him. He did nothing. “Oh come on! This is the part where you come to life and give me some quest, to save the world!” He was as still as stone. “You are the most boring gargoyle in the world!” I shouted in his face and then tossed the thing underneath my bed.
um i know i posted something similair to this before but i changed it, so thanks to everyone who takes the time to help... i know it is really long
4 Answers
- LynciLv 71 decade agoFavorite Answer
What are your aspirations for the potential story? It's somewhat difficult for me to tell from what you've posted where you intend to take the story; there seem to be several prospective plots: your protagonist going to boarding school/leaving home; what has happened to Carl; and the gargoyle. Is your story meant to be realistic or a fantasy of some sort? You've used the word stomped rather too repetitiously; I always use the thesaurus when I write in order to avoid repeating myself. Anyway, my advice to you is: If you have planned your plot thoroughly and if it seems to be a concept which you'd enjoy producing, then go for it! Don't be overly concerned about writing for possible publication, rather in writing for the experience and practice. See what you can create! Good luck!
- 1 decade ago
It looks interesting, do continue. You definitely are able to twist a plot, and dialogues reveal much about the characters and sound alive, but the way of describing action is somewhat boring (that's really a common problem with amateur authors, and I am one myself). I am also an editor, so I took the liberty of re-writing a little bit of your story to show you a way to describe character's actions in a different way.
"Where could that clinking noise come from? I walked down to an aisle and peeked my head over the wall. Now, that was something unusual - there lay a wooden item, a statue of sorts. A gargoyle, if I remembered the word right, eerily grey and chipped in some places. The creature was hunched, as if it tried to look smaller than it was, and... smiling. In its talons was a loaf of bread. I picked the statue up and noticed a price tag - 8.50. Bread was 1.50 for a loaf, so I happily grabbed the gargoyle and tucked my 10$ bill in Carl's office. It was really suscpicious that he was missing, but I had absolutely no time to think about that at the moment. So I just shouted that I would drop by a bit later and make sure that Carl was alright, and hurried home".
And one more thing. Your story resembles manga or comic, in setting and suggested plot, and I think it would be great if you worked together with a friend who could draw and made it into a graphic story. Just a suggestion! :)
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Continue it. A good story is only good when it's finished. You may not have the best grammar or the best detail, but a story is a story. I like how you started it off with dialogue, that's a very good idea. But the fact that you persistently used the word "I", gets annoying. Good idea though, continue it.
- OliviaLv 61 decade ago
I gotta say, that is one obnoxious name.
No offense.
Try simplifying it a little.
It is a good story, but people like to talk about the books they've read and liked, so make it a little easier for them to do that.
Good luck and hope this helps!
Source(s): I'm a writer too, but haven't published anything yet.